How Do I Encourage Her to Explore & Experiment & Not be Embarrassed?

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Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

Firstly, I realize that I'm a lucky man - I have regular sex with my partner and she usually orgasms from penetration alone!

But I think our sex life could be even better. I'd love my partner to be able to tell me about things other than penetration that feel good for her. Foreplay can be a bit brief - kissing of course, a few minutes of touching each other's genitals with hands, and then in it goes!

I'd like to give her oral, for variety, or on a day where she needs more time to warm up. She sometimes lets me for a few minutes, but doesn't really enjoy it. She says it "feels funny" and she gets embarrassed. I've asked her if she'd like me to go softer, firmer, faster, slower, whatever, but she can't/won't give me any clues!

It can also be a bit routine in terms of position. She likes missionary on the bed. Clearly that position gets her off, but I'd like some more variety. We'll sometimes do doggy for a few minutes, but again I feel like she's doing it for me and not really enjoying it for herself. Surely there must be other positions she'd enjoy ... if only we'd experiment enough to discover them. I'd like to try lots of different positions in different rooms around the house etc., not just missionary on the bed.

Sometimes I'd like to give her pleasure a boost by playing with her clitoris whilst penetrating her, but we are never in a position where her clitoris is accessible. I'd be overjoyed if she played with her own clitoris during sex - but she never does.

I think she is just embarrassed / hasn't explored her body very much. I don't think she has masturbated at all since we got together (2 years), and she said she would very very rarely masturbate during the preceding years when she was single.

I think there is even more pleasure just waiting for us if she could let go of the embarrassment and experiment / discover what feels good. Finally to the question then - How can I *encourage* her to explore and experiment and not be embarrassed? I don't want her to feel pressured into doing things for me, I want her to discover new pleasures for herself (though yes, more pleasure for me is a likely side effect).

In case it matters, we are both mid 30s.



Dear M,

My guess is that your girlfriend is NOT have orgasms or she mistakenly thinks what's happening is an orgasm. Everything you say about her 1. Always having "vaginal orgasms" 2. direct clit stim feels funny. 3. She's never masturbated 4. Position A where you do every thing leads me to be believe she's pre-orgasmic.

The solution lies with her NOT you. She needs to learn about her sexual response by practicing masturbation alone. OR, you can continue to do everything and enjoy your own orgasms.

Perhaps she will take it upon herself to learn but there's no promise that will happen. Go onto the website together and see if you can initiate a conversation that is more truthful than her saying, "Oh, I love everything you do." Good luck.

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