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Sex with Women is About Love & Passion. Sex with Men is about Submission. Is This Healthy?

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Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I've been following you for a long while and I've contacted you before concerning a couple different issues and your advice always helped me work it out, I want to thank you for that. But I'm in a new situation.

Recently I had my best girl friend over and her boyfriend, we'd been hanging out a lot lately-the three of us. I've always been close with her physically. A lot of hugging, cuddling, playful fondling. During our cuddle time he started initiating sex with her and we all ended up having a wonderful sexual experience. None of us regret it and between me and him we kept our own boundaries, our concentration never wavered from pleasing my best friend.

I loved this experience and I thirst for more, but it led me to a question about myself. I was always aware I was bisexual but the roles I seem to put people into differ greatly. When I think about sex with women its always about love and passion...it's beautiful in my mind. And I enjoy sex with me too but in a much different way. When with a man I want to be owned, submissive. I want his sexuality to overpower me, to sort of just be his means to an end. I'm concerned that this is very unhealthy....fantasies are wonderful, but I can never really enjoy straight sex without that kind of action. Is it something you come across often? Maybe you could give me your opinion on it.

Dear J,

Threesomes were some of my favorite kinds of sex. And yes, sharing sex with a woman is often more about emotions while feeling love and tenderness toward her. You ask, " When with a man I want to be owned, submissive. I want his sexuality to overpower me, to sort of just be his means to an end. I'm concerned that this is very unhealthy."

Heterosexual dominance and submission is quite common. Most of us are doing it unconsciously as it imitates our standard expectations of Big Strong Man having his way with Helpless Girl. It's a mild version of a "rape fantasy" which is a favorite of many women, myself included, even though it's not considered PC. Never let the "thought control" cops interfere with a hot fantasy that works. I say our minds have no limits on what we can fantasize. Some day try fantasizing dominating your male partner for a change of pace. The truth is we rarely can experience sex between equals, a romantic notion that's been around far too long. One or the other partner will have to make the first move or we would never have sex.

Dr. Betty

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