Sex with New Boyfriend Doesn't Compare to Ex

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Betty Dodson

Hi Betty & Carlin,

I first emailed you about a year ago. I was seeing a man exclusively, although our arrangement allowed for him to see other women as well. It worked for us. The sex was amazing. I was experiencing multiple orgasms with him as well as "energy" or as we called them "hands-free" orgasms. We even got to the point where I was experiencing female ejaculation...this was more of a turn on for him than for me...give me a good ol' fashioned clit-lickin' orgasm anytime! Anyway, we have recently broken up and now I am scared that I will not be able to find someone as sexually compatible as we were. I have been using my vibrator for masturbation, but feel that I have become "addicted" to it, because I have a really hard time cumming without that intense stimulation. I am trying to wean myself off of it.

I met a new man who is a wonderful person. Kind, compassionate, communicative, financially secure...on paper it looks perfect. But alas, our first sexual encounter left me dissatisfied and then on our second attempt (when I brought my toy with me) he didn't like it. He said he would rather that he could make me feel like that without the assistance of mechanics. He is quite a bit older than me (I am in my mid 40's and he is 62)...I am wondering if he is teachable or if I should move on. I'm wondering what your readers would do...have you ever done a survey on this topic? Especially for people who are as "into" sex as your readers must be, would they be willing to forfeit good sex if everything else in the relationship was perfect? I just don't know if I can live without it! Would appreciate your thoughts on the subject!


Dear L,

Instead of referring to the vibrator as "an addiction" I prefer to call it a sexual preference! We are entitled to enjoy the kind of stimulation that works best for us. I would rather see you ween yourself off trying so hard to please men who have no trouble telling you exactly what they want ---- such as sex outside your relationship, ejaculating because He liked it although you weren't wild about it.
Now you have this next one who doesn't hesitate to tell you he does NOT like the vibrator because HE alone wants to be the source of your orgasm.

PLEASE consider pleasing yourself instead of some spoiled man who wants everything HIS way. You can have a relationship/friendship with this new one but don't expect him to change. In other words I'd move along. It's better to be with ourselves than to constantly please a man sexually only to end up sneaking an orgasms after they fall asleep or leave. No matter how good it looks on paper! Since you are in your mid-forties, I'd say it's time to start calling the shots on what you want and how you want it. I'd keep the vibrator and recycle him.

Dr. Betty