My Boyfriend Won't Go Down on Me
Dr. Betty -
I recently found your site and thought that if you had the time, you could help me with a problem that I've had for a while. I know masturbation is more of your thing, but if you wouldn't mind giving me advice on safe oral sex, it would be much appreciated!
I've been dating a wonderful boy for a year now. We get along very well in pretty much everything and know how to work out our problems. I lost my virginity to him about six months ago and I've been pretty well satisfied sexually ever since. As far as I can tell, he is too. He's very concerned with making me happy and vice-versa. However, said boyfriend won't go down on me. I would very much enjoy it if he did.
This isn't because he doesn't want to (he's tried multiple times), but primarily because it makes him gag. He told me that he's never been able to go down on any of his previous girlfriends. I don't know if it's the smell or the flavor or what, but I had some ideas to make it more appealing for him. I need to know that these ideas are safe before I proposed them to him, so I've been making inquiries of several reputable sources, because anytime I look for people who have problems like us, instead of finding helpful advice (like what would be safe to place on a vulva or in a vagina) I just find things like these helpful little gems:
"unless u are unhygenic he shouldnt refuse"
"In my opinion you will have to live without it, he doesn't like it and if there realy is nothing that will change his mind, well, then there is not much you can do about it!"
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to go down on your girlfriend....unless you like getting blowjobs."
"I have one word for you...DEALBREAKER!!!!"
The judgement is very harsh from both sexes and there are never any solutions presented except withholding sexual favors from him until he goes down, which seems like glowingly terrible advice and a great way to initiate conflict. Besides, I really like going down on him.
I want to give you my list of things I've thought of to do that could make going down good for both of us. There are some terrible ideas down there, but I included them anyways so you could tell me I'm being a dumb shit for even considering them:
1) Dessert à la vulva. Put whipped cream, honey, or something to mask my flavor. I don't know what's safe to put there, though. Spices? Sugary confections?
2) I've heard of people putting alcohol in their vaginal canal and having someone drink it up. This is a TERRIBLE idea because you're putting alcohol directly into your blood stream and could die. However, could it be served via female condom? Or something non-alcoholic?
3) Burn off his taste buds with hot chocolate or scalding tea or something.
4) There are people out there who swear the eating different foods make you taste better. Is this true?
5) Nose plugs + Saran wrap + blindfold? See no evil, smell no evil, taste no evil?
6) Get him so drunk he doesn't care.
7) See if he's okay with me finding a friend to play with who doesn't mind eating me out.
8) Decide that I can live without it. A depressing thought, but I'd do it for him.
9) Request he eat a tin of mints beforehand until he can taste nothing but mint.
10) Use his tongue to move something on, in, or around my vagina, but never actually touch it with his mouth or tongue, like ice or a HexBug, which moves by vibrating.
11) Flavored lube, or something to that effect.
If you have anything to add, I'd be happy to hear it. I really just want to find a safe solution that fulfills my curiosity and he finds palatable. I don't need oral to survive, but I really, really want to try it. He'd do it if I asked, but I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't like. If we could find it mutually enjoyable, that would really be best.
What a bummer! The big problem here is he's constantly rejecting your vulva as something that makes him gag. My first thought: Put him in restraints and sit on his face until he can gag no more. At some point he'll have to surrender to whatever is the source of his problem. There is nothing wrong with gagging and maybe he just needs to go through it instead of always stopping because of it. The gag reflex can be embraced and then our attitude toward it can be altered. That's how many of us learn to do deep throat. We learn to embrace gagging and discover it's no big deal.
It's logical to assume some sweet flavor will mask the musk of pussy BUT any thing containing sugar must be kept away from your vagina. That would cause a raging yeast overgrowth that can be dealt with via some natural remedies or
as most doctors advise, taking an anti-biotic. I do not subscribe to the latter.
The diet approach is viable. I know my scent and taste changed dramatically during the years I was a vegetarian and not drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. I clearly remember one young vegan lover who's semen actually tasted sweet, but due to his hyper clean diet he didn't have much energy for sex, dancing or parties.
Your #7) was the best. "See if he's okay with me finding a friend to play with who doesn't mind eating me out." Only fair. Maybe the thought of loosing you to some big wet swinging tongue that belongs to some other dude would peak his competitive spirit. Finally, using a dental dam which was considered safe oral sex will provide a barrier and he'll be licking and sucking latex. That's what I hated but maybe he'll love it.
Finally, he might consider seeing a counselor to uncover the source of his inhibition. Or work with a hypnotist to overcome it. In the end, the choice to accept this or move along is up to you. Personally, I'm of the school that believes when sex is good the first time, it only gets better. But when there is a problem, then sex remains problematic throughout the entire relationship. It's your choice. I'd love to know what solution you end up with or what worked.