I'd Just Begun to Feel Sexually Confident & Now Herpes

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Betty Dodson

Hi Betty

I have recently ended a relationship with a man 36 years older than me. We were together for a short time in the world of relationships probably around 4-5 months. For the first time with him I was able to have a clitoral orgasm through intercourse, it only happened twice but it was amazing to know that it can happen.

I felt really safe with him, being around him soothed me in a way I haven't experienced before. It wasn't an ideal relationship in any way. He is an alcoholic and a chain smoker and has a very bleak view of the world. I ended it because I couldn't have a future with him.

I was feeling very emotional after the breakup, and then a few days after it all happened I noticed a sore spot at the entrance of my vagina. I became concerned when it didn't go away, went to the DR, and one of the first questions she asked was "have you ever had herpes?" I have been tested now, and since seeing the DR I have developed "the rash" inside my bottom crack.

Although I do not yet have a diagnosis of herpes its almost definitely that. I find out tomorrow.

I am absolutely devastated and can't stop crying. Work has been a disaster as I am crying every 15 minutes. I can't eat, I feel absolutely gutted. I had only just begun to feel sexually confident and attractive and was looking forward to the future and now I just want to start life again from the beginning.

It's mainly the thought of having to tell every single person I may want to have a relationship with about it.

I normally vent everything about my life with my friends but with this I feel absolutely alone I have never felt more alone in my life and I don't know how to cope with this.

Can you offer any guidance on this?

I spoke with my ex about it over the phone and he seems really uneducated about how it can be transferred (as I was) and was very dismissive, saying "I'd be very surprised if you caught it from me"

I'm in so much pain right now and I would value anything you could offer on this

Thank you

Dear K,

Having Herpes is no big deal unless you make it one. Back in the seventies we used to feel sorry for someone who didn't have it because it meant they weren't having much sex. In fact it's so common that at some point everyone will have an outbreak. I see it as similar to having the common cold. The virus is in all of us but just some have outbreaks. I get a Herpes sore when I am stressed out. When that happens I do not have partner sex. Once the blisters dry up within a week or so I can resume sex with a partner.

Several friend of mine also have Herpes and their partners do not. The ten years I lived with a young man who was Herpes free, he remained free. As to telling everyone you have sex with, I feel that's a personal choice. Go online to webmd or Google Herpes and read up on it. You are torturing yourself needlessly. Now forgive yourself and the guy involved and get on with your beautiful life.

Dr. Betty

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