How Do I Talk to My Lover About Anal Stimulation?

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Betty Dodson

Hi Betty!

Can I start off by saying that you're incredible and I'm very glad to have found you and your work. So, on to my question. I'm a 22 year old lesbian and I feel that I am very in touch with my body, my needs, wants, etc. I just recently got engaged to my partner who is at present in the Army. We've spoken about all things pertaining to our individual sexualities and agree on 99% of each others wants and needs.

However, there's a hurdle that we haven't gotten past yet. I really enjoy anal stimulation, not so much penetration (Although sometimes that is good) but 95% of the time, I thoroughly enjoy (Almost need) oral stimulation, for me, it's almost the cherry on top, if you will, best orgasms ever. I've just recently begun to talk to her about this. She was always against anal penetration to begin with, after we'd been dating for awhile, I explained to her that I sometimes enjoy it, while she was hesitant, she said that as long as I don't push it, she'd be willing to try when she's ready.

Which was absolutely fine with me. However, I just very recently confided my want, desire, need, for oral stimulation again. She responded by telling me that it was so far out of her realm, that the idea of that occurring had never even crossed her mind. She always says that she's willing to try things with me. Stating that 'If she hasn't tried it she can't knock it'. I just think there's a stigma there against anal sex both penetrative and oral. Especially oral. Now, I'm not asking how to force her to do it, I would never do that. I just want to know if there's any way I can explain this want to her in a way that removes the stigma of it. To let her know that I view it as just another part of the body that can be pleasurable to some. I'm not sure what the issue with her is, or how to put it in the right words. Maybe I'm just too open-minded!

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear back soon!


Dear S,

When you talk to your lover about anal stimulation, I would begin requesting she just plays around with well oiled fingers maybe doing shallow penetration. Let her wear a latex glove if you think she's a germ-phobe. Just remember for most people, Anallingus (using a tongue to stimulate and/or penetrate the anus) is a pretty advanced action for most people. Some associate it with "eating shit' and ingesting germs. Meanwhile our mouths have far more bacteria in them than the anus yet we seldom worry about kissing.

One way to help her overcome her fear would be to do it for her. She will most likely pull away or object, but just try to encourage her to let you do it just once. I believe it helps if a person can experience what you're talking about first. Another solution would be for her to use an anal dildo on you while she's going down on you. Communication and experimentation will help your sex life grow. But in the end, you have to accept her just the way she is to be her loving partner. If this is a deal breaker, catch it now rather than later.

Dr. Betty

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