Why Can't I Orgasm Like My Girlfriend?

Profile picture for user Betty Dodson

Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm 21 and I have a girlfriend at the same age who I've known for 5 years and dated her for 4 months, and it was our first time being in a same-sex relationship. (I just left my ex-boyfriend and I had orgasms all the time from woman-on-top with him.) I am very comfortable with her and trust her completely but I'm defeated most of times during our sex sessions and want to know why I feel so ashamed that it caused me to lose my orgasm ability.

At first, I was be able to have orgasms from several first oral sex with her but after that nothing happened. Then I found out that she can have orgasms regularly as simple as one single finger rubbing on her clit, grinding with clothes on and short oral sex when I can't. (I never come from masturbation or dry sex, ever). I felt pretty envious but kept that emotion to myself because I don't want to hurt her feelings just because I'm not be able to come as often or easily as she does.

So I bought a vibrator for myself so I can come and it worked pretty well until I'm WELL aware that she comes easily on her own. So now I stopped having orgasms with a vibrator and it made me feel extremely inadequate and very embarrassed- and secretly jealous. It really hurts me inside and I wish I was not jealous or embarrassed or selfish. I avoid doing anything to her so I don't have to watch her come.

I really want to learn how to masturbate on my own with my hands to have orgasm and how to come easily like she can so I will feel relieved that I'm not broken and be able to join the fun with her. She even tried to demonstrate masturbation on me and it never worked and I feel like I'm too much work for her if I can't come. I would love to have my orgasms back and learn how to masturbate so everything will be back to normal. Why do I feel this way and why it's taking me over and affecting me in negative ways?


Dear AK,

You feel this way because you are constantly comparing yourself to your girlfriend which fuels your imagined sexual inadequacy. At 21, your orgasm abilities are still fluid and you can learn different ways to come, but you must STOP competing with her because she can come more quickly or differently. It's all so self defeating along with your tendency to be a drama Queen. So now all of your exaggerated feelings of embarrassment, inadequacy and jealousy have you withholding her pleasure with orgasms which makes you a selfish girlfriend.

You are two different people with different ways to enjoy orgasms. Accept that fact and get on with your sex lives. You can come with penetration on top so what's to prevent her from strapping on a dildo and fucking you? And why on earth did you dump the vibrator when it worked? This crazy idea of yours that you have to come from your fingers like she does is insane. Maybe she'd like to learn about vaginal penetration and using a vibrator herself. Why is finger fucking the best? Time to grow up and accept the fact that you are two individuals instead of one symbiotic unit like identical twins. How boring! Embrace your differences and start to enjoy them. Have a have a little fun and learn to laugh at yourself.

Dr. Betty

Mentions And Related Topics