What Can I Do to Stop Having So Much Fear About Penetrative Sex?

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Betty Dodson

Dear doctor Betty,

I'm 27 years old woman and recently started a new relationship. I'm not a virgin, but in the past sex was painful for me (not from the beginning, but later) and after few times with pain I started to avoid sex. I didn't have any sexual partner for a long time, I like masturbation and I always have orgasm when I'm doing this (it is really great and I'm doing this often). My new boyfriend doesn't know my sexual past. He invites me to go to his home often (and expecting that we will have sex there).

We are not teenagers, so just kissing (with I like very much) and some manual stimulation (which I like too) is not enough for him. I'm afraid that after going to his apartment he will be trying to convince me to have real sex with him (with penetration) and it scares me so much that I started to avoid him and it can be close road to the end of this relationship. I think that I need more time.

Learning that sex can be a source of joy, not pain. But I need time and I don't think that having sex with penetration so soon is a good option. How do you think? What can I do to stop having so much fear about penetrative sex and how to talk with him about all of this?

English in not my first language. I'm from Scandinavia. But tried to write this letter as good as I could.


Dear J,

Everything you said to me you need to share with him. Men are not mind readers and once we explain what's happening with us, they will do everything they can to support our pleasure. They just need to know.

Since you are orgasmic with masturbation, have an orgasm right before he begins to penetrate you. Even if you are wet, use some additional organic oil or some water based lube to facilitate penetration. Since you are fearful, chances are you tighten up your vaginal muscles. Get in touch with your pelvic floor muscles and learn to use them to let go of tension. To locate this muscle stop the floor of urine. That's your PC muscle. After you share how you feel with him, get on top and control penetration yourself. He will be relieved and you will succeed.

Dr. Betty

PS. Your English is excellent

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