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Open to Threesome But Don't Want to Ruin Marriage

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Betty Dodson

Hi Betty!

I just recently found your site & let me tell you, it is exactly what I've been looking for - an informative, classy site for people who have real sexual questions & concerns. Thank you!

Now for my concern. I'm a happily married (9 years but together for 16 since we were 18) 34 year old mother of 3 beautiful children. They are my life. I'm a SAHM & my husband is the greatest man alive (in my eyes). We are both very sexual. We love experimenting with new positions, toys & role play. I wouldn't say we're bored but we like to keep things spicy. We always had a very open & communicative relationship. If we are unhappy we talk about it. Both of our parents divorced over infidelity issues so we are very aware of the emotional damage divorce can cause children. We are very faithful to one another.

Now to my point! Almost...

During 2 of my pregnancies, I was extremely excited & into sex. The last pregnancy I kept things exciting for him by pretending there was another woman in bed with us. As a teenager, I had a few sexual encounters with other girls my age & really enjoyed them. However, I always saw myself with a husband and a family, etc. We have talked about finding a woman to join us & I think we'd both really have fun with it but my insecurities are what's holding me back.

What if he enjoys her more than me? What if he expects that all the time? What if once we go to that level things aren't as exciting for just us during sex? What if I feel tremendous guilt (I was raised Catholic)? What if she's better than me at oral sex? There are more but you get the point!

I am open to having another woman join us, but not ruining my marriage bc of it. I love my life, my husband, family, and don't want to lose any of that over my insecurities.

Thanks so much!
V.

Dear M,

After nine years together with an active sexlife I doubt any of your "what if's" would ever happen. We all have doubts and insecurities when venturing into uncharted territory. But that's part of the excitement that feed into your marriage. Let me take your "What if's" one at a time.

"What if he enjoys her more than me?"

My experience has been each lover appreciated me all more due to our history of good sex. Yes, a new vagina or penis is exciting but a past of practiced sex between two people is always more dynamic.

"What if he expects that all the time?"

The frequency of anything between committed couples is negotiated, yes? This is not a likely problem as you've been together long enough to have some trust.

"What if once we go to that level things aren't as exciting for us during sex?"

It works the other way. A threesome will spice up your partnersex. It's like living out a fantasy that can be mentally replayed any time.

"What if I feel tremendous guilt (I was raised Catholic)?"

I'm sure you have confronted your guilt feelings many times in the past. This is no different. The Church doesn't own your sexuality. If it does, this would be the perfect opportunity to get the church out of your bedroom.

"What if she's better than me at oral sex?"

No problem. Simply observe her technique and learn. I mean get right down there with your face next hers and observe. Besides hubby will LOVE having two women attending to his dick. This would also apply to her AND him going down on you. Now there's a hot fantasy.

We all have insecurities. The idea is to release them and more fully enjoy life. Let me know the outcome of this exciting adventure.

Dr. Betty

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