My Boyfriend Claims He Doesn't Fantasize

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Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. We have a pretty amazing sex life together, he is considerate, capable and well endowed. He has always been interested in my fantasies and will try almost anything (we have come to learn that he isn't comfortable sharing me with others, nor does he want to be with anyone else so threesomes are out). But there is one area in which I really wish I could get more out of him.. I really want to explore his fantasies the way we explore mine, problem is he doesn't seem to have any. I have talked to him about this, probing for hidden desires and always asking questions about what sexy things go on in his head, but it's always the same answer..

He doesn't really fantasize and if ever he does its about things we have done. I don't think he is withholding due to shyness (my fantasies can be quite dark and strange) and I truly do not believe it's because he's fantasizing about other people. Namely because I have offered threesomes, or suggested I'd like to watch him fuck or play with someone else and he is adamant that he has no desire for anyone other than me. So I'm left to conclude he really just doesn't fantasize. Mind you he is not "innocent".. he has had many more partners then me and would masturbate for hours watching porn (this was before we became monogamous but he didn't stop because of me, we watch porn together he just doesn't watch it alone unless I'm out of town, his preference not mine!) I have tried to gently encourage it in all the ways I know how and I am frustrated with the prospect that he may never have fantasies to share with me... Any ideas???

Dear M,

Fantasy is at the heart of creativity. I'm afraid you darling boyfriend is not very creative or curious nor does he want to explore the hidden recesses of his mind. You on the other hand are very interested in your erotic mind which I see as quite healthy.

If you are comfortable with his one dimensional approach to sex, just accept him the way he is and drop the idea of him telling you about his sexual fantasies. He doesn't really have any. You are his only sexual interest which is alright for now. However, later on he'll have to go back to porn to get turned on with or without you.

I wonder if porn inhibits men from thinking about things they would like to do, see or try out sexually? The other possibility is that women are just naturally more intelligent and inquisitive. In all my experiences with men, the few who had developed elaborate fantasies were the ones I spent time with because they were the best lovers. Hopefully you will have other lovers before you settle down into a long term commitment. Just enjoy the sex you're having now.

Dr. Betty

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