Is It My Natural Anxiety or Repressed Feelings Keeping Me From Enjoying Sex?

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Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I'm an 18 yr old girl and I have anxiety and adhd which do go hand in hand. It's genetic and comes from my mom who is very supportive and i can talk to her about almost anything. In my early puberty i became very religious and active in my church. For the past year i've changed my perspective a lot and i don't agree with a lot of christianity or at least the way they conduct it. I'm not athiest and still trying to figure things out for myself so i'm just calling myself agnostic right now.

This last spring i got involved with a boy i had disliked for years but had never actually talked to him. We took it slow and the first time we had kissed i got so worked up (anxiety) that i couldn't look at him and he had to do it. Same thing when we first french kissed. Then he wanted to manually play with me, and i started to kinda freak out even though i wanted him to do it. But he took it slow and laid my back on his stomach. Same thing when i first let him see my breast it was my idea and i was still having freaky anxiety. And again when i tried to touch his "part" for the first time i had to close my eyes and kept saying "omg omg omg" freaking out. And the day after our 6 months together we attempted to penetrate. Which was kind of a fail. I was freaking out so much i couldn't look and he had to put a blanket over my legs while i put a pillow over my face and i felt bad for him cause he didn't really know where to go and neither did i and i was also freaking out too bad to help him.

I do masturbate regularly and so does he.  He's even done it in front of me. I know how to orgasm that's not a problem and i've been experimenting looking at myself and penetrated for my first time today by myself. My question is why do i keep freaking out? It gets better the more i do something but it still there somewhat and i don't know if that's normal or is it my natural anxiety coming out or repressed feelings i don't know and i hate it cause it makes me feel like shit and i also feel bad cause it ends up putting more pressure on my boyfriend who is sweet but also has no idea what he's doing.

Thank you for reading i'm sorry it's so long and any advice i don't have to buy would be very helpful my mom is nice but my dad isn't and he makes the money and i'm in school and don't have a job. So thank you again for whatever advice you can give.

Dear B,

As far as I'm concerned, most 18 year old girls have some degree of what you call "anxiety" so forget the ADHD label and realize that you are simply human. Doctors can prescribe all kinds of destructive meds once they determine a person has a "condition" that is usually just the natural process of growing up in a crazy world. These meds are supposed to help, but in my opinion they make things worse. What's missing is a decent sex education for our teens.

Getting rid of Christianity was a step in the right direction. Define your own higher power and get away from all that damnation and body loathing. Since you are only 18 I'd put off full vaginal penetration for now. Chances are good you don't have any birth control in place and he doesn't know how to use condoms. Since you don't want to get pregnant and start a family, just doing manual sex makes more sense. It's only natural that your BF doesn't know what to do. Since you masturbate, I suggest you show him how you touch yourself. Take turns sharing masturbation and learn about each others' technique.

And STOP using the word ANXIETY. Just breathe more deeply and know we all go through these kinds of feelings when something is new or unfamiliar. In other words, you're perfectly average or normal! Now stop fussing and continue to explore your bodies and talk about it with each other. Communication, especially when it comes to exploring sex, is very valuable.

Dr. Betty