If I Fantasize About Women, Am I Gay?

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Betty Dodson

Hey Betty!

I contacted you a short while ago and you gave me wonderful advice, so if it isn't any trouble, I have a couple more curious questions to ask you.

First of all one of the reasons why I love your site is because I feel very liberated from some of the worry that seems to come along with my sexual fantasies. But for some reason I still feel like I am weird or something. My sexual fantasies involve a lot of themes, during the day I am constantly fantasizing about sex. I am always thinking of my male best friend and I having sex or making out.

When I masturbate my fantasies become much more elaborate and involve things I would never really want to do. I worry that my sexual fantasies are unusual, since I don't find them interesting in real life. But the reason I worry is because I don't want to eventually live them out or have them become a part of my sexual orientation.

Also, about my sexual orientation; I know you probably get millions of questions like this a day, but I just have to ask. I feel predominantly heterosexual, I only feel truely attracted to men and I feel deep down my soul mate will be male, and men turn me on. But ever since puberty I had a nagging worry that my sexual fantasies that involved women and the fact I find the female body to be erotic meant I was a lesbian or that I was going to turn into a lesbian in the future. What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks so much for your time,

Dear K,

We need to remember that a fantasy is just that: It's a made-up story that has nothing to do with reality, how we actually have sex with people, nor does a fantasy indicate our "true" sexual nature or represent what we desire.

I believe fantasy is at the heart of the creative process that allows our minds to roam free from social constraints. We never have to experience the actual imaginary sex acts. Remember the awfulness or shame of any element in a fantasy is accompanied with bodily sensations of heightened pleasure that is so desirable.

I make it a point to keep the "Thought police" out of mind so I can feel free to imagine anything I can dig up from my unconscious. The only criteria is that gets me more turned on which in turn, enhances my many masturbation orgasms.

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