I'd Gone Through the Emotional Wheel & Come Back to Selflove

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Carlin Ross

When you get a call from your doctor and hear the words "rule out melanoma", everything stops. Your heart starts to race. They hang up and you start googling medical jargon which is the worst thing to do in that moment.

I've been here on D&R but unable to put pen to paper for a few weeks. The two rounds of excisions and waiting for the biopsies shut me down emotionally. It wasn't melanoma but that slight brush with the big "C" aroused so many feelings - for the first time in my life - I was fearful of the future.

It was all about Grayson. Neither my husband nor I have family who could step in if I needed treatment or left the planet. The thought of not being there for him when his heart was broken for the first time or got the "A" crushed me. Then my disappointment turned to my relationships. Looking at my life choices made me feel like I'd wasted time - like I should have focused more on loving myself instead of trying to love others who never understood me or cared enough to find out. I felt like a failure.

One of the benefits of having a toddler is that you can't dwell on your emotions long enough to wallow in self-pity. Shopping has to be done...meals have to be prepared...preschool drop offs have to happen on time. I was grateful for the busy work. The days passed quickly.

When I came to a place of acceptance, this feeling of peace came over me. My nurses and surgeon remarked how much they "loved my energy". As I walked to my appointment to have the stitches removed and get my final biopsy results, I was filled with gratitude. New York City looked so beautiful to me. The people passing on the street made me feel connected to something greater than myself, connected to humanity. It was a small mark but I had contributed something to my fellow man. I had left some sort of legacy. And then there was Grayson.

I thought I might cry when I got the good news but instead I laughed. I'd played out all the tragic scenarios, gone through the emotional wheel, and come back to a place of selflove. I would be able to watch Grayson grow up, continue our Bodysex revolution and see Betty of the planet which is my duty and honor.

For the next week, I masturbated every morning. I was turned on but it was a different feeling than typical arousal or obvious fantasy. It wasn't about any other person or some taboo sex act. It was like I was plugged into something much deeper and ancient like this new level of selflove. My orgasm energy felt divine as if I was tapping into heightened consciousness. It was like a sort of religious conversion.

I think realizing my inner strength while letting go of the fear of abandoning my young child brought me to this new level of being.

My life will end one day. How flat my stomach is - or isn't - doesn't matter.  The degrees are worthless.  The material possessions I amass won't change a thing. How I spend my much I love myself and allow that love to flow into my relationships and then out into the world is all that matters.

Life is abundant.

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