I Had Followed My Heart and Found My Purpose in Life


I don’t believe that ones true calling or life purpose is always immediately known, but rather something that resonates subtly in the background like distant echos. Throughout life there may be persistent signs or feelings that point toward ones purpose, and over time, if we really take the time to listen and follow, the echos become clearer and more pronounced, guiding a person to their true path.

As I reflect on my 32 years of life I can recall so many moments filled with small signs and subtle hints, the echos of my purpose. Some were easier to hear and pay attention to at times than others, but I just kept listening and following them. Little did I know that my second Bodysex workshop would be the profound and transformative revelation that all the signs and hints had been leading me to.

Pulling up to the gates of Menla I could feel peace ease into my veins. My last circle I was a participant, and this one I would be an assistant, I was excited and I was also terrified. Afraid that I would do something wrong when holding space for a woman, or not know what to do in the moment. I was having such a hard time trusting in my ability to see and read someones body and the signs of their pleasure and orgasm. To ward those fears off I kept busy and went through the motions of set up, meals and socializing.

Since I would be facilitating my own circles after this workshop I intently focused on how both Carlin and Laura handled each ritual in their circles as well as how they approached bumps along the way. I needed and wanted to absorb as much as I possibly could from them in these moments. I took notes in my bed every single night so things would stay fresh in my mind to look back on.

It was finally time for erotic recess, the part I was the most nervous for. As I opened the door for each woman to enter, I noticed my worries creep up on me and decided to focus on me first. The best way to ease my own anxieties and fears was with pleasure. Walking into the circle, I sat down and took a big deep breath in.

Carlin began guiding everyone through a nice easy warm up with the vibrator to help facilitate easier penetration. As the minutes passed, I couldn’t stop my eyes from darting to the shiny silver dildo on my tray. I wanted penetration so badly, but it wasn’t time yet. Carlin hadn’t started penetrative instruction yet, but I kept glancing over and telling myself ‘no’ even though it was exactly what I wanted. 

After about another minute of craving penetration, I reminded myself of something Carlin tells women often, “You know your body best, listen to what it wants and honor it” so I did. I grabbed the heavy shiny dildo and went for penetration. Instantly I felt so proud that I knew what I wanted and gave it to myself. The orgasm that followed, affirmed that I was in charge of my pleasure.

I have never sat between a naked woman’s legs before, much less watch her body for pleasure and potentially orgasm. I slowly sat up from my own orgasm induced afterglow and gazed around the room while hugging and caressing my own body. There was a woman who looked like she could use some supportive company. She welcomed me into her space and I sat down between her legs just like I’d watched Betty do in videos, and Carlin and Laura do in person. Despite her intense emotions I had a huge wave of calm wash over me as she opened up to me about her worries, fears and struggles.

As I listened I felt wave after wave of goosebumps, a personal sign to me that I’m doing something important, in this case important and sacred. I held space for all her emotions and then directed her focus back to her body and her pleasure. It was unreal, just like Carlin and Laura had said, after a few moments I could read the signs of pleasure in her body. I saw her lips and jaw relax, I saw her breath deepening, her hips moving more, and vulva blood flow increasing. It was magical to see the body slowly take over and at the same time fascinating to see how much control the mind could assert over the body at any given point. I felt so fully present sitting with this woman and witnessing her body and her pleasure.

Immediately after supporting her I felt so sure that when I dived into Bodysex some 9 months ago, I had followed my heart and found my purpose in life. I never feel so at home as when I’m holding the space that gives women permission to feel pleasure in their bodies. My own body doesn’t exist in those moments, I could sit for hours if a woman needed it, my entire being saturated with patience and space.

Being that it was my first time assisting, it was no surprise the self doubts rolled in shortly after erotic recess wrapped up. Worry that I could have done better, or that I’d done something wrong was very real. I wish that I would have journaled about the emotions that showed up when I first noticed them. Unfortunately I didn’t do any self processing this time and things sort of stacked up to a point where emotionally I had to let everything out and have a good cry. Not only did the sisterhood of Bodysex women know how to support participants but they knew how to support leaders as well. I was surrounded by women who saw my tears and gave it to me straight, they didn’t sugar coat anything, they reassured my skillset and gave me tips for next time. I felt seen, respected, and comforted.

This time when I left Menla, I departed confidant in my abilities. I knew wholeheartedly that my purpose was to hold this space for women, helping them learn about their bodies and their pleasure while bearing witness to their meaningful experiences. Deep within me, I had always sensed something resonating during specific moments, a subtle tug when certain words were spoken. This calling, these echos of purpose, had silently and sometimes very loudly beckoned me, urging me to listen, trying to capture my soul’s attention.

So many of those times I had been too distracted, fearful, or busy to truly head its call. It was during my first circle as a participant that I glimpsed this core aspect of myself, as if I had inches closer to where these echos resonated more clearly. Yet, it was only after supporting women in my second Bodysex circle that I could peel back the layers and discover, rooted at the deepest parts of my being, lay the essence of Bodysex-an unspoken calling coming from within that had been there all along.

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