I Feel Weird Fantasizing About Someone Else When I'm with My Spouse

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Betty Dodson

Thank you Betty and Carlin for all you do -

I love and appreciate what I am learning from you. Part of embarking on my self discovery in upgrading my masturbation practice is to hopefully resurrect my long-term marriage from the sexual grave - indeed, the blind cannot lead the blind. My husband is a wonderfully supportive man and he wants to please me, but we are in a "mature" relationship and I struggle with being turned on by him. I used to come regularly with him early in our relationship (via penetration and indirect clit stim), but that faded away and I haven't come with him in several years - this has resulted in me feeling resentful about penetration.

I get off fantasizing about someone else. I have tried fantasizing about the other person while with my husband so I can get excited, but it kind of backfires because that's not who I am with. I also feel weird thinking about someone else while with my spouse. Any advice?

Dear C,

It's an common story that most all couples go through. That business about "love everlasting" is a myth that ends after we get married. Very few couples can sustain monogamy within a marriage and have orgasms. That's why more than half end in divorce. Then the partners repeat the same pattern with the next marriage. If fantasizing someone else helps, then go for it. Or actually have an affair which will definitely change the dynamic instantly. Many women simply see fucking as foreplay for masturbation. Just know that you are not alone living in a marriage with little or no sexual pleasure. It's a bad deal for every one but society doesn't seem capable of coming up with other life-styles that would support the regular experience of orgasm.

Dr. Betty

Hi Dr. Betty,

Thank you for the honest feedback; it’s exactly what I was looking for. It’s a tough balance honoring one’s own needs along with honoring the person who has in all honesty been an amazing life partner (and he cooks). I have proposed banning penetration for a while so I/ we can focus on pleasuring via manual and oral – which is way ok for him; in some ways I think he likes that more and I need to practice the skill set. Since I was raised to keep my sexuality at arms distance (like most women), even after 17 years of being with my spouse I am still not comfortable masturbating in front of him.

Its ridiculous!!! He agrees!!! I feel like this is a really important barrier to work through, especially with someone who is so emotionally safe. If you are game to provide more advice, specifically on overcoming shame/embarrassment around masturbating in front of someone, I am all ears (practice, practice, practice, but any other tips?). Maybe it would be easier with a new person than with someone I am already conditioned not to be that open in front of?

I wish I could have discovered you when I was teenager (I am 41), but then you wouldn’t have been selling the vaginal barbell yet!! BTW – your barbell is genius; between your instruction for upgrading my masturbation technique along with the barbell/ mystic wand, I am having the biggest orgasms since I was in my mid-twenties. Its the best dildo I could have asked for – only a woman could have created this.

I also appreciate the instructional videos. For the first time - yesterday - I tried some anal play with the bootie butt plug (following your video). Definitely seemed to intensify orgasm, but I found it to be a little distracting – it’s a little uncomfortable unless I elevate my bottom so the bed isn’t placing pressure from behind and the flange is just a little long so it ends up getting the way when I use the barbell vaginally. It also stops things when I have to pull out the barbell, stop the vibrator, and then go on my side to play/ insert. I assume this is something I will get used to. The video on anal play was perfect to get me started – its exactly what I needed in the privacy of my own home. J

Thanks again Dr. Betty. You are a rock star.

Dear C,

So glad you have found D&R now! Whenever that happens, I figure that's when the time is right! You asked for more info on overcoming shame/embarrassment around masturbating in front of someone. Yes! I clearly remember how concerned I was. Afraid I'd look weird, sound strange or that he'd see I didn't really need him for an orgasm and that would be upsetting to him.

In the end, it all boiled down to looking just too weird. So I watched myself masturbate standing up in front of a large oval mirror in my living room. I didn't look strange or weird, I looked physical and intense. I discovered it was quite appealing to watch someone so focused on her own pleasure. Give it a try.. . . .

Dr. Betty

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