How Can I Open My Relationship & Still Feel Secure?

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Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty,

My husband and I have been sex chatting online since he is overseas. We have been monogamous for close to 20 years. We are close to 40 and started sharing fantasies. I mentioned inviting another woman into the picture and he has been chatting away the last four days about nothing else. I gave him a hall pass and told him he can have a fuck buddy.

Of course, he wants the full year his out there. He thinks I'm the greatest! I know its just sex he wants yet I'm wishy washy about how I feel. I want him to be satisfied, I know he loves me, I just am so insecure about sharing him emotionally with another woman.

This is all pretty new and I'm not sure how to transverse this new terrain. What boundaries should we have and how do I stop hyper ventilating over something that hasn't even come to pass? I feel a little crazy right now because I really like the idea of a threesome but being that he is overseas and would have a possible sex buddy makes me a little apprehensive, I suppose. Any thoughts on how to find a place where I will feel secure about myself as a wife, mother, and lover?

Thank you Betty, Y

Dear Y,

I think most women go a similar phase when getting beyond monogamy. I'd rather have a marriage be open than having a husband or lover cheat at some point. The fact that you have discussed this and he already thinks you are beyond special for being open minded his love for you will only grow stronger.

Our female conditioning nearly always kicks in when we go through this phase of opening up our marriages and relationships. I remember how upset I'd get imagining him being emotionally as well as sexually intimate with anther woman. One of the thoughts that helped me to cope with my fear of losing him was this: If I claimed to love him, why would I want to own him? If he discovered he loved someone more than me, why would I want to stay with a sexually unhappy man? As it turned out, after a few sex dates with other women, he told me it only made him appreciate me all the more.

For women there seems to be more emotional content in partner sex. For many men it really is just sex. Like you said, he thinks you are the greatest! Sexual generosity that leads to appreciation goes a long way in keeping a partnership happy. Also you have children together and he's overseas. When he returns you can explore threesomes together. I think you are very wise to take the position of giving him your blessings.

Dr. Betty

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