Feel Like I Need to Choose: Mind Blowing Sex or Safety of Marriage

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Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty

I discovered you several years ago and you have helped me feel free and normal about my sexuality, thank you! Since getting off the pill, my sex drive is through the roof. I am 31 years old and married. Sex with my husband (when it happens) is good, sometimes GREAT but we only average 1-2 times a month. I know there is more I could be doing to help this issue but we are just never in the mood at the same times. I have had thoughts about ending the marriage due to this and some other issues for a couple years. Overall, we get along great, best friends but never hot, need you now sex.

I am having an emotional and getting incredibly close to a sexual affair with a man that is also married. The chemistry/spark between us is beyond what I could have ever imagined. I have never met someone that shares the same views about life and sex as him. I desperately want to fuck this man but am riddled with guilt. I do not what to miss this opportunity to have mind blowing sex but I cannot live with myself for hurting others. What would you recommend?


Dear BB,

This is the struggle most married couples face sooner or later due to the ridiculous institution of monogamy. If you had "mind blowing sex" with this guy for a few years, it would be the same old problem of mating in captivity. It seems sex eventually becomes ho hum no matter how hard we try to "spice" things up. Most of us know that the spice of sex is variety. Yes, there are the rare couple who thrive on monogamy but they are a small minority.

The best case scenario would be discussing this with your husband and exploring the polyamory community that believes we can love and have sex with more than one person contrary to religious dictates. Monogamy is designed to keep us guilty and hoping to be forgiven by our priests or pastors. I'm pretty sure god, if there is one, is way too busy to care what we do in our personal sex lives.

If the above solution fails, I'd have a fling and keep my own council. After all, men have been doing this for ages. It's called "Don't ask, don't tell" and while I'd prefer honesty, sometimes it's just to hurtful. The first time I had sex outside marriage my guilt feelings were just too awful to do it again. My solution was to end the marriage and explore sex. You're between a rock and a hard place and only you can decide what your next step will be. Decide wisely.

Dr. Betty

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