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Dear Dr. Betty,

My problem is something on which I've done a lot of internet research, and I've yet to find a satisfying answer to my problem. I began attempting masturbation (with my fingers) at the age of 13, and had no orgasms. It felt nice, but I never climaxed. Manipulation of the clitoris was not satisfying to completion, nor was vaginal fingering. When I was 18, I bought a vibrator, but it did not make me come, the incessant buzzing only made me numb. Reluctant to lose my virginity to a fake penis, I waited until I was 23, got fed up, and bought a dong.

HARK! A solution. Combining both clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration did it for me. However, once I became sexually active, the problems returned. My partners either prefer to stick to oral sex or penetration, thereby separating what I need in order to climax, but they never put their finger on the "button" right (if at all during penetration), and it's difficult for me to get into a position where I can stimulate myself while we're having sex.

Is it common for women to require stimulation of both the vagina and clitoris in order to reach orgasm, even with masturbation? I have used Kegels since I was a teenager, and I exercise my vaginal muscles very often. I've attempted clitoris-only stimulation many times, at length, and remain unsatisfied. Is there any solution to this problem? Is there a position that is recommended for women who need both in order to be satisfied?

Additional information: My clitoral hood is about 1/2 inch, and my C-V distance is about 3 inches.

Thank you in advance for your advice!

Dear S,

I'd say you did find your answer . . .combining clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration gives you an orgasm. In my book Orgasms for Two I go into more detail on how to combine manual or vibrator clitoral stimulation during intercourse with several illustration I drew to show different positions that worked best for me. My advice is always for a woman to control her own clit stim. Think about it. Men always control the stimulation they get from thrusting inside a vagina, anus or mouth. So why should we turn our clitorises over to them especially since they really don't know how we like to be touched? It's up to you to tell your partner that you'll handle your clitoris while he focuses on his penis.

There are many jokes about how guys either can't find it or if they do, they don't know how to touch a clit even after you show them how. I loved the comment one woman made in a workshop: "It feels like my husband is trying to erase my clitoris." It's time women take control of their primary sex organ! If some guy can't handle that idea then it's time to send him on his way.

Dr. Betty