Claiming Our Kink is a Very Powerful Thing

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Lawrence Lanoff

Fear and kink go hand in hand, that is until we begin to unravel the powerful life force energy compressed in our kinks. This is the story of communication and negotiation, both with ourselves, and our kink-friendly friends.

Claiming our kink is a very powerful thing. It’s acknowledging that being kinky is a part of life, something that everybody has, and something that we may want to open more fully to in our own lives.

In order to express our kinky sides, we have to be able to communicate our kinkiness to ourselves - without filters. Being kinky is a trance state. There may be things that get us off, but we may be completely embarrassed or even ashamed of sharing these things with other people. So the first thing is to begin to make our kinks available to our own conscious mind.

Being comfortable with kink is being able to say yes to our own wildest fantasies, without judgement, without limits. It’s true, we may never express that to another person, but it is essential that we give ourselves permission to experience that within the theater of our own minds.

In this way, we can begin breaking our kinks down to manageable steps and ideas. Think of this as a kinky shorthand - a kind of sexual-fuel-intensity-recipe - that can take us to the peak of sensual experiences. If we can articulate that to ourselves, through being honest with ourselves, then we may develop the ability to communicate that with another person.

Kink is a sensual sentence structure. If the structure is unfamiliar, or out of whack, or even out of sequence, the intensity of the experience can be diminished and actually loose intensity.

As you get more comfortable with your kinks, here are a few suggestions to help you and your kink friendly playmates communicate about your needs and desires.

In order to ask for what you want, you have to know what you want. If you are clear about what you want, then it is possible to communicate that to a partner in a way that helps you to get what you want. Take responsibility for your kink. Take responsibility for your experience.

Be able to articulate that kink to another person in the sequence or narrative that works for you specifically. Kinky doesn’t just fall off the truck. It has to be cultivated. Being crystal clear is essential in order to get what you want. For example, Is it the specific content of your kink? Or, is it the context of your kink? Or is it both?

What are you trying to get at? You have to help your partner help you. How can you help your partner, through communication, to help you get to the peak of your experience, so you can let go and fall into your kinky experience fully.

Take small steps. Chunk it down to manageable parts. Your conscious mind may only be able to handle so much at a time.

Take time outs. Have multiple ways to communicate - to step out of the experience for a moment - to give feedback. Be able to step out of the experience at any time. Constant feedback can help all parties relax.

Know the beginning, the middle, and the end of your kink - so you both know when the experience is complete.

What is the safe word or safe action? In mixed martial arts - it’s the tap out. What is the word and or action that tells your partner to stop. You want to be able to stop the experience at any second - in a pre-defined way- that allows you to ultimately control the experience and have it be emotionally OK for everybody involved. Missed cues or signals can really suck.

Make sure you read/study the people who have come before you in expressing that kink. There is a wealth of knowledge out there on pretty much any subject. The more we open up and share, the more knowledge and experience there is available to everybody.

The kinky we are, the better off the planet is. There is so much drama on the planet because we haven’t yet accepted the myriad of ways that our deepest, darkest desires are wanting to express - and how natural and human that is.

Kink is normal, natural, necessary. Relax, play, enjoy. Let’s make 2012 a kinky New Year.

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