I am a woman over 65, sexually abused. Never had consensual sex except with my hands or toys. I am so ashamed of what seems like my ugliness and uncleanness. With the bumps on my labia. I was so moved the first time I was examined by my doctor, because we know each other well and it felt much more vulnerable than in the gynecologists office.
She knew I was concerned if something had happened to me in the current week that I had repressed. Knowing how frightened I was, she decided to examine without touching and used the position reserved for girls before puberty being examined for damage caused by trauma. She offered not to touch me. No stirrups. No speculum. Yes, I had a surprising infection which she gave me medication for, and she asked if it would be all right to touch, because she had not expected to find infection.
She saw my sexual organs and cared fpr my infection. Told me the next time why I get hurt on applicators. Showed me with her fingers how much actual length I have in my vagina after the hysterectomy I had in my thirties. "about four inches with the cervix removed. Be careful pushing things in too hard. They will feel like they are hitting you in the belly. I felt relief. Nobody told me about that before the surgery.
I felt honored and cared for, my labia, my older clitoris...even though harder to see than that of a younger, slimmer woman. It was like having a sister, friend or mother who can give me the power of words. Later I dared to shave, get a mirror and take photos, but that was painful. And now I suspect that my body which is sick right now, might actually look okay. I know I don't like the shape and I rub and irritate and try to silence my clitoris and labia. A nurse once asked me why I was "so big down there" and all the shame I ever felt came crashing in on me. I would like to find a pretty piece of fabric and my camera and show myself and others a dry, neglected clitioris and labia. I haven't touched myself for months, since insurance and a health care system deprived me of this healing relationship. This wasn't about sex. It wasn't about anything happening between us.
It was medical and it was empathetic. And I need healing for the shame of being talked about by somebody in her office, by suggesting sexual was going on between us. I am afraid to look. But I need this part of my body back. I would do this in a public art show, but of course I would be too ashamed. But without having it recognized and made fun of, I think maybe I could see something okay about myself. After shooting all the pictures where I am hairy, I suddenly remember that I already have the shaved photos. i called them the hidden O'Keeffes. So I include them. Even though I'm not shaved now, I feel suddenly prettier looking at the partly shaven flowers...but now I have been so sick. And I need to know if there is still anything pretty like when I was bare,
Last night I had a hard time getting pictures that didn't seem wicked. Looking back at the daylight on partly bare skin, I feel that innocence of age 64 and the acceptance that I now feel severed from.
