Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for sometime (five years) and now we are talking about getting married. Even set a date and soon we will be getting a ring.

For at least two months though my boyfriend has been having trouble staying hard. He says he isn't happy with his weight and not comfortable with the way he looks so that is why. I feel it could be a combination of things. One he drinks too much, and two he is taking anti-anxiety medication, and possibly the talk of the wedding has him nervous. I've asked him if it was me and sometimes I feel that is the problem too. We also have sex less frequently. I know I'm responsible for my orgasm when he is not around or when I want one. But I feel like we used to be more together.

When it comes to sex, we live in a world that forces us backwards. The nutty folks who “feel” that they are in charge of our genitals would like to roll science back in time - way back.

I mean, I understand. Pleasure is dangerous. Joy is dangerous. Our genitals are very dangerous. So political and religious leaders encourage ignorance about our genitals from the very beginning - starting with the kids. That’s why Wisconsin State legislators want to mandate the teaching of abstinence and marriage in sex education classes - regardless of the contrary evidence showing this type of teaching actually encourages more problems for kids regarding sex.

Yourtango.com covered a story on the new survey of divorced or divorcing couples. It reveals that the new number one reason for divorce is falling out of love. It places infidelity at number two on the list, which had been number one for the past eight years. According to the story, more relationships are weathering the first storm of infidelity out, in fact.

Maybe I was feeling a bit jaded with all my posts negging out on marriage but I found this quote and felt compelled to post it.

Kathleen O’Dwyer on Fromm's The Art of Loving and the philosophy of love:

Last week I cleared out my checking and savings accounts, plus my sock drawer stash. Then I handed over that thick stack of twenties, fifties, and hundreds in exchange for money orders to pay my tax bill.

Ben Franklin's adage about the certainty of death and taxes may be sardonic, but here in the United States during tax season, the reminder seems apt. Today's news contained stories about the tax rate, about loopholes, about promoting certain social behaviors through tax breaks, about corporate taxes, about who pays how much -- or how little.

Below is another email correspondence between me and my sex life coaching client, Joyce, whose continuous sexual growth I've blogged on recently, wrote this to me on the reality of her married life with children and the impact that had on her sex life. Again, all clients I blog on have their names changed and give me express permission to do so. It doesn't get more honest and real-life than her account and I think many married women in her bracket of life, and their partners, will resonate with it.

Below is part two in this series, which documents the email communications between me and sex life coaching clients, Ken and Joyce, who are[i] married partners and gave me permission to blog on them. This is a great example of one way I can work with married couples, but more importantly it shows Joyce's take on the hot sex she had with her hubby that Ken wrote on. You'll see her feedback to me: "[b]This is real, this is marriage/life changing.  I am excited to see Ken at the end of the day.  I am in love with him again."

We've been having a marriage debate sparked by Virgin's post.  I thought that this ad campaign for She magazine's Valentine's Day issue hit the nail on the head.

The campaign was created "to make people reappraise marriage as the number of British people marrying drops to its lowest level since 1862."

Maybe marriage is becoming passe.  People - not just women - aren't getting married anymore.  Marriage has become something only the rich do when they have children. 

Here's a very interesting article on how Japanese women are utilizing dating agencies to connect with highly-educated western husbands. Primary reason: it's a well to do demographic that these days, treats their wives more like equals and romantic companions. Japanese men, according to the article, are comparatively conservative and view women (helped along by the culture) as maids, homemakers, and child rearers. Period. I remember hearing about the first Japanese female office manager in Japan and how that was a big deal. I took a east Asian culture studies class in college. My prof. was a Japanese woman and she said how if you're a woman with a Ph.D. or Dr.

There's a legislator in Albany who proposed that marriages would automatically terminate in 7 years unless you renewed them - no need for a divorce.  Marriage vows are changing to acknowledge that most marriages don't last a lifetime:

Kiwi couples are ditching promises of "till death do us part" and choosing what they consider realistic vows for their big days, celebrants say.  Many New Zealanders are moving away from traditional marriage vows, with phrases like "till death do us part" and "honour and obey" increasingly deleted from their wedding days.

A Christchurch marriage celebrant of 25 years, Anne Stubbersfield, said people were more realistic now about their chances of staying together.  Most still believed their marriage would be forever, but some vowed to be together just as long as their "love endures".

Kiwis still hoped for a lifetime together, unlike an Australian couple who reportedly vowed a "three to five-year agreement plus options" or another pair who pledged if their "love should falter or fail, I will respect you for the period that you were in my life".

I've now gotten several requests to respond to the Sanford affair. My friend Richard send copies of the emails between Sanford and Maria as proof this was more than sex. That it was the real thing with real feelings of love for one another. He's a hopeless romantic, and while I am too, I fight it.

I'm a tough ole army mule when it comes to discussing "true love" which
I think is based upon "true lust" and I see nothing wrong with that. Why do we have to denigrate the desire to have sex to uphold the myth that a monogamous marriage is more than a business arrangement sanctioned by society and granted special privileges by our government? We hear about politicians when this happens, but as a sexologist with a private practice, I know a large portion of our population is unable to sustain sexual fidelity as Amanda Marcotte explained in her piece For Many, Marriage is Sexless, Boring and Oppressive. People mostly rely on "don't ask, don't tell" which doesn't really work in the end because it requires the omission of truth which is kind of a sneaky lie.

Sure, the Times piece
on the sanctity of marriage spews positive PR to uphold the institution
because that keeps most of us in line so we can continue to be good
consumers. The big corps demand that from us. My question is: When are
we going to redefine marriage so that it becomes more sexually
realistic and practical? I'm thinking about making an effort to do just
that. When I can find time.