Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Dr. Betty,

I have a situation I hope you can provide some feedback on. I will be turning 21 here within the month and have never been in any serious relationships nor have I had sex. My dating life is abysmal - I have gone out on dates a few times with several guys throughout the past 5 years but have never actually dated a guy or have become involved with someone. It's very embarrassing to admit this to friends, family, potential boyfriends, etc so I just kinda sidestep the questions.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I know:

1. I am not gay - I am very attracted to men and though women are beautiful creatures, there is something about a man that hits all the right buttons

2. Sex is somewhat scary for me to think about doing myself - I can fantasize about men in explicit detail and have no qualms at all, but when it comes to intimacy with ME in the picture - I get scared.

3. I obviously have intimacy issues - I think this has to do with me not letting too many people get close to me (my mom and biological father divorced when I was 6 and I have had problems with that as well as commitment because of the whole ordeal since then) and so I can not seem to 'keep' a guy.

I have become increasingly concerned about my situation and feel as though I am really missing out on a major part of life. I am a fairly confident person when it comes to work, family and friendships but when it comes to relationships I don't want to fail.

I have been overcoming issues with body image (which of course plays a role in why I have relationship issues!) and am learning to be more confident in myself as a woman - but it is VERY hard. I have so much to offer the right person - I am well educated, very mature for my age, have a great life, great job, etc. but am missing someone to share it with. Please help!

EM

Dear EM,

You and far too many other women and men in their early twenties are struggling with the same problem. You want to have partnersex in some kind of a meaningful relationship but have no idea how, when, where or with whom. A course with some good solid sex information that would include learning masturbation skills, how to master birth control, and specific information on how to approach first time intercourse would go a long way in healing your sexual frustrations.

Let's begin with your #2 statement: "Sex is somewhat scary for me to think about doing myself. I can fantasize about men in explicit detail….but when it comes to intimacy with ME in the picture - I get scared."

My recommendation for you is to practice having sex with yourself ALONE before attempting partnersex. Learn what kind of clitoral stimulation works best to give yourself an orgasm. Go the section on my website that talks about Betty's Vaginal Barbell and become familiar with your pelvic floor muscle. Then, begin to practice penetration on yourself so first-time penis/vagina sex will NOT be painful or scary.

Your "intimacy problem" is your inability to get close to yourself. Forget about your family history and how it might or might not relate to your inability of not being able to "keep a guy." What exactly does that mean? Just figure out how to get close to yourself and once you're orgasmic, you will have something profound to share with a boyfriend. Get my latest DVD Orgasmic Women, watch and experiment with some new masturbation skills. Then you can tell me all about your new love affair.

Betty