Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Dr. Dodson,

First, let me thank you for your wonderful website! I have been coming here for several years and have learned an enormous amount about sexuality from your comprehensive information. I would like to comment on your views about vaginal orgasm, however. While I understand your wish to clarify how and where women experience orgasm, I feel that on occasion you dismiss entirely those of us who do in fact enjoy vaginal orgasm. I recognize that I am in a minority when it comes to having vaginal orgasms, and that you necessarily direct your information to that majority of women who do not have the good fortune to experience vaginal orgasms.

What concerns me, however, is that you refer to vaginal orgasm at times as something mythical, or impossible. I am living proof that neither is true, and in discussion with other women, I know I am not the only woman for whom this is not true. I have enjoyed vaginal orgasms since I began having partner sex in my late teens, on a consistent basis, regardless of position. I know I am in a small minority concerning this ability (?). I find myself hurt and annoyed, however, when I read comments of yours indicating or implying that vaginal orgasms do not exist.

It comes across, to me, as an attitude just as dismissive in its own way as that of Dr. Freud with regard to clitoral orgasm. In comments and essays of yours like your addition to "The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm," I'm sometimes left wondering if you think those of us who do have vaginal orgasms are somehow deluding ourselves as much as those women who fault themselves for not experiencing them.

It is worth noting here that the sensations of a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm are very different, at least for me. A clitoral orgasm, in my experience, is very short, sharp, and intense. (I can extend the length of a clitoral orgasm through breathing and muscle control as described on your website.) A clitoral orgasm usually leaves me wanting more stimulation, especially vaginal. A vaginal orgasm, on the other hand, is less intense, more like slow waves of pleasure, and can last for quite some time. After a good vaginal orgasm, I'm tired and ready to stop sex play for a while.

Once again, I realize I'm in the minority with regard to experiencing vaginal orgasm. Keeping that in mind, I would like to ask you to tone down the "mythical" rhetoric regarding vaginal orgasm. I'm very glad you have so much information about clitoral orgasm; it has made my solo sex last longer and be more satisfying! I just wish you would acknowledge that even though it is rare, vaginal orgasm is possible and does happen for some women.

I would also like to note that I in no way assume all women should be able to have vaginal orgasms just because I can! Thank you once again for your invaluable resources on this website!

Sincerely,

E

Dear E,

Yes, I hear you and thank you for your thoughtful response. In the past I have made it a point in most of my writing to include the minority of women who do experience orgasm through vaginal penetration with their partner. I even spoke about my vaginal orgasms recently in our Podcast with my Spaniard whom I came with from intercourse every time. Naturally I wanted to marry him. It would have been a disaster, but I was willing to sacrifice everything to remain a "mature woman" who had finally abandoned her "infantile clitoris."

Allow me to repeat your words here: "...the sensations of a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm are very different, at least for me. A clitoral orgasm, in my experience, is very short, sharp, and intense.."

"...A vaginal orgasm, on the other hand, is less intense, more like slow waves of pleasure, and can last for quite some time."

I've heard this description numerous times. It was when you said, "A clitoral orgasm usually leaves me wanting more stimulation, especially vaginal." That's when the light bulb went on and I understood something I've been missing. That vaginal and clitoral stimulation are usually separate when this discussion takes place. I've been teaching a style of masturbation that combines vaginal penetration AND clitoral stimulation for so long that I've been taking it for granted.

For clarity let me state the following: In order in have a vaginal orgasm like the one you described relies on many specific aspects. The first is a partner who is compatible, co-operative and consistently available. Nice work if you can get it. This creates an unnecessary heterosexual bias that only those few fortunate women who marry well can be fully satisfied with those slow waves of pleasure that can last for quite some time. While the rest of us limp along with short, sharp orgasms from our itty bitty clitty's!

I must tell you about a client in her early forties who is a therapist on the West Coast. She came to see me to learn how to have clitoral orgasms! She'd been having vaginal orgasms with her husband of many years, and like me, they had to do sex the same way every time or it didn't work. Her big complaint was that sometimes she was angry with him and just wanted to have an orgasm by herself. She left thrilled with her knew found self-induced orgasms that included vaginal penetration with my stainless steel Barbell (it's one pound weight keeps it in place) and her new electric vibrator.

The ideal vaginal orgasm is what young impressionable women are taught to want, to long for and to dream about. The sad truth is that few will succeed. For the life of me, I can't fathom why we continue to define partnersex this way. I repeat: The clitoris is our primary sex organ of pleasure. The vagina is the passage way to the uterus that carries sperm, expels menstrual blood and births the next generation. The vagina is a wonderful organ.

However, I join with Anne Koedt in presenting a more accurate female sexual response: when it comes to a consistent source for women's orgasm, the clitoris wins. We can discuss all the spots inside the vagina that are supposed to trigger an orgasm, but with all due respect to the multitude of men who prefer vaginal intercourse, I think it's time to redefine heterosexuality in terms of a woman's response. From that point of view we might some day understand that even vaginal orgasms rely on some form of indirect clitoral stimulation.

Thanks for initiating a wonderful discussion,

Betty Dodson, artist, author and PhD clinical sexologist