Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty & Carlin:

I am in my mid 40s, and during the past 6 months I have had a huge sexual awakening and catharsis which I attribute to hormonal fluctuations (perimenopause maybe?) and hence, a new interest in all things sexual; i've always had mental issues with sex due to an early childhood abuse situation, and a rape when I was in my teens. But now, I feel as though I have finally broken through all that, and want to make up for lost time.

I have turned into such a horndog these past months it's driving me crazy!!! (But I love it ;-)

Married for 13 years, my much older husband (after many, many long heartfelt talks) has decided to allow me to take a lover (or 2) because he no longer can have erections due to prostate cancer surgery; this gesture has made me love him even more. This is not easy for him, and he still has his moments, but I consistently remind him how much I love him and he will always be number one with me. A "special friend" and I have been in touch about plans to be together, and this has actually added spice to my sex life with my husband--using toys, fantasy, etc. But I still long for "romantic love" in addition to conjugal love, especially with penetration and feeling drunk with passion. I haven't had vaginal penetration in 3 years, and I'm worried that it will hurt when I start again.

I'm using toys, reading books, visiting sex shops, and will buy your barbell today (thank you for your website, it has been so wonderful a source of information for me!) So, I think I am doing many things correctly...

Now to my question! Part of my catharsis was telling my husband how I have been getting off since the age of 8. Guilt and shame has kept me from sharing this with anyone else for my whole life. My grandfather(dirty old man that he was) showed me how to orgasm by leaning on a chair, corner, hard surface when I was very young, and telling me I didn't need men in my life.

As a result, I can bring myself to orgasm in 10 to 15 seconds flat, on demand, as many times during the day as I want, fully clothed! (Pretty amazing, huh?) And it is a full body, knee buckling orgasm (i think it's G-spot centered, but I can't be sure...what do you think?) Problem is, I'm so used to getting off this way, I've always found it impossible to orgasm during partnersex, or even masturbating with my fingers (the only other way that works is a jacuzzi jet or shower massage)! Toys get me close (and if they are orgasms i have, they are tiny and fleeting), but I find that the amount of pressure I need to come intensely can never happen any other way other than using my exotic "technique"! Oral sex feels nice, but nowhere near the stimulation I need for anything to happen.

I really really want to learn how to come with a partner. Help me, please!!!!

PS. I have become so enamored with sex these days I might just look into getting a PhD in Sexology!!!

Dear T,

Leaning on furniture, using the shower massager or jacuzzi jet, is all clitoral stimulation. G-spot stimulation is inside the vagina and works for very few women. In order to orgasm during partnersex, you need to alter your form of clit stimulation during masturbation gradually. Read First Time Orgasm and follow my recommendations.

Also, read Orgasms for Two and my article on hormone replacement. Be sure to read the instructions that go with the barbell and use plenty of clean massage oil. Meanwhile, enjoy the erotic surge you're currently experiencing.

Dr. Betty