Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty. the first time i saw you was on a dvd, which a friend of mine had received from her aunt in the states, called the history of the female orgasm. then i went to see a sex therpaist who had attended some of your trainings. i log onto your sight fairly regularly, and watch the videos. you and carla are all about sexual enjoyment, etc, etc, etc....not even sure you'll identify with my question , or be able to direct me to some resources that may help.

Bottom line is, my libido has been on a gradual decline since my wedding night. as a teenager, i didn't have much sexual experience, but masturbated, and often would feel sexually aroused, craving an orgasm..........and today i've reached a place of not identifying with the person i once was, or specifically with the eelings i no longer feel. i don't have the patience to muster up a fantasy and masturbate, i feel there are so many other things i'd rather do. you talk about speaking to friends....when i did, i discovered a lot of my friends were feeling the same way, they had lost interest in sex, and would be happy to not have to deal with it. have you ever had woman asking about lost libido's??? any insights???? many thx

LM from south africa

Dear LM,

Women's concern about lost libido, or no desire to have partnersex or even to masturbate is one of my most frequently asked questions. Women's interest in sex varies more than men who seem to remain more consistent about wanting some kind sex due to the hormone testosterone. Men also have their Viagra and Celexa to give them erections, so when it comes to sexual desire; it's not an equal playing field.

The pharmaceutical companies are frantically searching for a drug to turn on the gazillion women who claim to have "lost libidos." The market place now offers a host of clitoral creams, a suction device costing way too much that requires a doctor's prescription and the latest debacle of a testosterone patch that has not been sufficiently tested. The most insane and ludicrous is the g-shot, injecting silicone into the urethral sponge. It's all commercial crap! My answer is a good electric vibrator and sexual fantasies.

I dislike the word "libido" which is a psychiatric term. It would serve us better to simply say sexual desire or interest or motivation. For the past several years I've been telling women if I waited for the spirit (libido) to move me to masturbate or initiate sex with a partner, it would rarely happen, especially as I grow older. Since menopause, I equate having an orgasm with going to the gym or health club. It's always an effort but once there, I enjoy it. The same is true after I've had the Magic Wand on my clitoris for a few minutes. Lo and behold, sexual desire appears. I don't even have to come each time as the stimulation feels good anyway. The vibrator might end up on my stiff neck.

Like most of us, I was led to believe that everyone is having passionate sex 24/7 and I just lucked out. To make matters worse, most all of us fib about how much sex we are getting and that includes women as well as men. If the truth were known, we would discover that unless a Mr. Hot Hunk or Ms. Gorgeous Number showed up, very few women lust for sex after menopause. Our teens and early twenties are usually wasted on one person that we go steady with too long before we get married. After the first few years of living together, our sexual passion declines. Throw in having children and there goes five or more years of little or no sexual desire with each birth. Very few long term relationships sustain orgasmic sex for both partners indefinitely, yet we are led to believe in everlasting love and passionate sex from all the PR that promotes marriage.

Your observation about friends who are no longer interested in sex is very interesting. Made me suspect that the anti-sex fundamentalists put something in the water to keep sex a prisoner of pro-creation. One of my divorced post menopausal girlfriends once asked, "Do I have to have a lover or continue to masturbate?" It was a very poignant moment. I spontaneously answered, "Of course not. We have a right to retire from sex if that's what we chose and we can do so without feeling guilty or making ourselves wrong for whatever reason."

While it's true that I was sexually active for most of my seventies thanks to my beautiful young lover/apprentice. I now realize why the decade of our seventies is considered the youth of old age. I must say it was some of the best sex ever. However, our partnersex ended a couple of years ago (2007) at my request. It was time for him to move along. Because of our huge age difference, I knew from the beginning of our relationship I would have to let him go at some point. We can remain good friends to the end. I am now working on an essay about "The Joy of No Partnersex."

Due to the fact that I teach sexual skills, I hope to continue having orgasms with myself. And I wouldn't say no to a date with some delicious man or woman if they showed up. Meanwhile, I have a business partner which is similar to marriage. Carlin and I signed a contract honoring our commitment. We've also agreed to avoid having a sexual affair as it would complicate our dedication to accomplish specific goals with our website. Since I'm aware that I tend to lose interest in sex after five years with the same person, remaining friends makes more sense and is guaranteed to last longer. We also love to travel and socialize together, so I'm very fortunate to be in this position as I enter my eighties.

What we need to remember is that sexual interest, desire or satisfaction happens on many levels. Even if I eventually lose interest in sex with myself, I will still have thinking about sex, teaching sex, reading about sex, viewing sex, writing about sex, and talking about sex. As you see, it's one of my favorite topics, not unlike a person who loves food and is devoted to growing it, preparing it and consuming it alone and with friends. Instead of mourning my lost youth as the next decade approaches, it becomes a challenge to push back against ageing. It's like the eighty-year-old man who said, "Oh to be sixty again" as he admired a sexy big titty blond. It's all relative isn't it?

Dear Dr Betty

thank you for your authentic, and full-bodied response to my email! there are many things you wrote that resonated profoundly. i also prefer you choice of "sexual desire or interest or motivation" versus "libido". It also made me feel normal to read

"if I waited for the spirit (libido) to move me to masturbate or initiate sex with a partner, it would rarely happen. ... I equate having an orgasm with going to the gym or health club. It's always an effort but once there, I enjoy it. The same is true after I've had the Magic Wand on my clitoris for a few minutes. Lo and behold, sexual desire appears. I don't even have to come each time as the stimulation feels good anyway. The vibrator might end up on my stiff neck."

i have found it challenging to get hold of authentic information....i have been married for about 7 years, and have 2 young kids, 3 and almost 5. sex, or the lack of sex has become such a huge issue in the relationship, especially since my husband is quite religious, jewish, and from a jewish perspective, sex is seen as the ultimate driving force of the relationship...with orgasm being a taste, a tip of the ice berg, for the joy experienced at being one with Gd...it's a bit more complex, it also focuses on meaningful intimacy, which is nutured by how the husband treats his wife OUTSIDE of the bedroom....there's an understanding of sex, for woman, being more than just the physical act......

with my gradual decline in interest, there's been such a focus from my husband on what's wrong with me....that he needs sex, and because he wants to be faithful, i need to be the one to provide it since i committed to being his wife....and that because of my not provding the meaningful intimacy he needs, it's going to be the destruction of our family unit........ARGHHH it's been quite a learning curve for me so far....i'm sure one day i'll look back at this time with appreciation for how much i grew as a person.

it was just nice to read that perhaps there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's ok to not be lusting after sex. you wrote "Like most of us, I was led to believe that everyone is having passionate sex 24/7 and I just lucked out. To ...... If the truth were known, ......Throw in having children and there goes five or more years of little or no sexual desire with each birth. Very few long term relationships sustain orgasmic sex for both partners indefinitely, yet we are led to believe in everlasting love and passionate sex from all the PR that promotes marriage. "

Equally reassuring for me, was when i read,

"Do I have to have a lover or continue to masturbate?" It was a very poignant moment. I spontaneously answered, "Of course not. We have a right to retire from sex if that's what we chose and we can do so without feeling guilty or making ourselves wrong for whatever reason."
like i said, been a really intense place for me....i was feeling guilty for wanting to retire from sex.........and hating feeling like my not wanting sex is going to be the destruction of the family unit, when in my heart of hearts i know my kids would be better off with a mom whose being true to herself, than a mom whose denying and suppressing where she's really at and what she feels she needs, and is putting all her energy into being and doing what everyone else says she should be and do..............

You're not serious about entering your 80's are you?!! no ways....i would have thought you were in your 60's

Thank you so much for your investment of time and effort, and the sincere openess and generosity displayed in your reply!!

all the best l

ps. my kids are both boys....any books you'd suggest i read in terms of what to tell them that's age appropriate, and that sends a healthy message about their bodies and sex as they grow up.