Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty!

Just found your website and wanted to pose a problem with you. After 20 yrs of marriage, I feel like I have lost my libido. My husband and I still have sex every week but he always initiates it and I just cum along so to speak. I do orgasm and I do masturbate( and have the best orgasms alone). I feel I am bored with the same partner and trust me, we have tried every variation out there, even swinging and bisexuality. But we were having jealousy issues with that lifestyle, so we stopped. I think I was overstimulated early on with all the sexual experimentation and now that we are strictly monogamous, it's no longer interesting. What is most frustrating is that I used to be the most sexual creature. I got a lot of attention and a lot of stimulation, often outside of the marriage.

But I have long since stopped seeking that outside of the marriage and now I'm uninterested. I love my husband dearly. He's the best man and still is soo hot for me. But it has always been way more one-sided in the sexual attraction part of our marriage. I hate to ask the "normal" question, cause I know everyone is different, but wouldn't it make sense to lose some interest after 20 years with the same person? The whole chicken for dinner every nite joke? Believe me, we have cooked that chicken every way from Sunday but it's still chicken. I guess I will miss the me that I was.  I was unstoppable speaking about me with men and women.  Anyway I can get that back?

Thanks,
Carrie

Dear Carrie,

You and millions of other women are feeling exactly the same way. Here we go again with that awful word "libido" that means something different to each person. What it means to most is remembering the heat of a beginning affair, the romantic love phase when we first connected to a person we were attracted to. At best, those heightened feelings last until we have the first argument or major disagreement. Or until sex becomes routine and we get bored which is inevitable. There are just so many ways two people can enjoy orgasms together.

A few lucky couples keep it going longer than others, but I'm sorry to say that familiarity doesn't always breed contempt. However, it sure as hell will cool off the most passionate partnersex. Except for the rare handful of couples that love to have chicken served every night. Go figure.  Why couldn't you and your husband take separate vacations where you can pretend to be single again. Since you know that both of you have jealousy issues with swinging, go it alone. Or one night a month you get to go out, no questions asked. Even if its to meet a friend. Since you still love your husband and don't want a divorce, have a discreet extra-marital affair. When it comes to sex, I do not practice monogamy. But even my love affair with me goes through repetitive dull periods. Instead of wanting back the woman you once were, create the new woman you want to become. I recreate myself every ten years by changing the direction of my creative projects. It works. There are just so many ways two people can have sex after we have tried the latest position, sex toy, fantasy, whatever. Meanwhile, count your blessings that after 20 years you still think hubby is a great guy.

Dr. Betty