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Orgy Guilt Because Didn't Share We Have Herpes

Wed, 07/22/2009 - 20:08
Submitted by Betty Dodson

My husband & I both have genital herpes. He is asymptomatic (that is why I contracted it because he was unaware of even having it!) & I have a break out once a yr.the size of my pinky nail. This has never hindered our lives and we have 2 beautiful children.

We entered the swing lifestyle about 6 months ago. As moral people, we both agreed before any sexual penetration we would tell the couple what we have & let them decide for themselves. We are not into "booty calls;" but rather want an ongoing friendship AND a sexual relationship with another couple. People we can converse with & go out to dinner with, etc. We have articulated this in our profiles on the 2 swing websites we belong to. People have responded to us and have genuinely liked us upon meeting but when we told them that we have herpes it was a deal breaker (the men didn't care but the women did).

So even though we are "in" the lifestyle I only had sex with one man (he didn't care that I have herpes) but my hubbie hasn't been as fortunate. Having said that last night we were invited by a couple we never met but have e-mailed to a small swing party with 4 other couples. This couple didn't know we have herpes and we did not know any of the other couples there. Although my husband & I have this moral pact about telling before sex, one thing led to another & before we knew it, it was one big naked orgy. We have never experienced anything like that & while it was a little scary it was also very exciting! Of course we used condoms & I didn't allow the man I was with to go down on me, but my husband allowed 3 different women to give him a blow job without a condom but he had sex with a condom).

While my mind was saying one thing my body was saying another. Although I am not experiencing my once a yr. break out, I now feel horrible that I wasn't honest upfront and wanted your opinion on how to proceed from here. You must know, that although everybody there was decent & nice in reality my husband & I didn't feel we really clicked with any of the couples outside the bedroom, that is, they wouldn't be our ideal couple to maintain the close friendship we are seeking & have articulated in our profile. Since some of the couples know our screen name, if they contact us should I tell them? Should I just ignore their e-mail? The swing lifestyle is small & people talk, so I'm nervous that if we do find our ideal couple (who we would inform of our herpes) maybe down the road they will find out what we did that night...had sex without telling people first of our herpes. I hate that herpes carries such a stigma! Your opinion? Do you think we're horrible people for doing this? Also, what is a way of broaching the subject & any advice on HOW to tell people? In the past we have said something like,"We really enjoy your company so we want to be honest with you & let you know we have herpes. it effects people differently, we have the most minimal degree..I get it once a yr. while my husband never has any symptoms. if you have any questions please ask...we understand if you're uncomfortable with it..." something like that.

Dear SS,

I abhor how our society has turned Herpes into an STD. In my mind it's the same as a cold sore on my mouth which I had when I was younger. My first genital Herpes outbreak was in the seventies. If you didn't have Herpes back then, it meant you weren't having sex. It was more like a badge of sexual abundance.

I too have gone go for years without an outbreak. When Eric and I first began to have partnersex, I never mentioned my Herpes as it had not shown up ages. When it re-appeared he was very upset at first. But after living together for the past ten years, he has never contacted it. For a while he took Valtrex which I believe is a huge rip off by Big Pharma. at $300 a bottle. The way to handle it in my opinion is don't have sexual contact when there is a blister. Both of you are being very fair but I believe overly cautious. At some point we will understand that our fear of Herpes is just another way religion and government controls our sexual behaviour. Personally since you both are such Herpes light weights, I'd say nothing unless you are asked. Let me know when you've found you ideal couple and how you ended up handling it.

Dr. Betty

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This is extremely

Tue, 07/28/2009 - 04:00
Anonymous User (not verified)

This is extremely irresponsible advice. While you may not feel that herpes should be considered an STD, many other people do not agree. Engaging in sexual activity with someone and not telling them that you have herpes is robbing them of the ability to make a decision for him or herself as to whether or not they are so cavalier about contracting it.

It is possible to transmit herpes before there are any visible signs of a blister (in fact, several days BEFORE the blister appears is when the virus is shedding and is very contagious.) Herpes has no cure, and those that contract the virus may not be "herpes light weights" like you and may have more deleterious effects.

It is despicable for someone to have oral or penetrative sex knowing that they have herpes without informing their partner, and more so for a respected sex columnist to condone this behavior, brushing off herpes as a "badge of sexual abundance."

I'll have to disagree on this one

Sun, 08/02/2009 - 03:56
Anonymous User (not verified)

I agree with you about herpes not being considered an STD. But I feel that if your partner considers it such, then it is an emotional betrayal to not mention that you have it. The point is not your opinion on herpes but your partner's opinion. If you know for a fact that your play partner would want to know - and most in the swinging community would definitely want to know - then it's a form of sneaking around to not say anything.

Some free legal advice

Mon, 08/10/2009 - 19:08
Attie (not verified)

Regardless of what has been said and debated regarding the MORAL implications of not informing someone that you have herpes, the LEGAL implications are as follows:

It is a felony to knowingly transmit or expose others to an STD without informing them. For legal purposes, herpes is considered an STD.

As such, you could find yourself being subject to not only a civil liability (i.e. lawsuit), but also in fact criminal charges, the penalties for which are more severe depending on the severity of the STD.

We have had several cases where people with HIV have been convicted of attempted murder because they knowingly had sex with someone else without their knowledge, and we have also had cases of more severe penalties where the person actually got infected (which isn't always the case).

Do yourself a favor and stay away from this scenario. Tell everyone you are about to have sex with that you have herpes, and if that's a deal breaker for them, so be it. We can debate the moral obligations in this all we want, but since you have already stepped beyond those boundaries, you should now protect yourself from situations that could cause you to be subject to potential civil and criminal action.

I don't mean to scare you, but this is serious stuff, so you're best to be honest about it, and as long as you play safe then it shouldn't be a problem anyway!

Good luck! :)

Orgy guilt because didn't share we have herpes

Tue, 08/11/2009 - 00:36
Anonymous User (not verified)

I have to comment on the comment made by "free legal advice", I agree with you on personal responsibility and that HONESTY is what's right, and the fact that the feeling of guilt has been admitted should tell them already (or I believe it is their conscience telling them) what they did was wrong. As for the legal advice you site that it is a felony to knowingly transmit or expose others to an STD without informing them. And while this is probably true for HIV or some other STD's ....it would be extremely difficult to prove with regard to Herpes. Mostly because the amount of time it takes a person who has been exposed and now carries the virus to actually have a symptom or outbreak can be unknown and basically that person may never know as they may never have an outbreak. When you think about it, basically anyone you choose to have unprotected sex with is a possible exposure to Herpes. Unless they get tested regularly, you're better off to use protection and err on the side that they could be one of the many walking symptom less carriers. I think this whole topic and the comments it has generated prove a much more important factor with regard to one's health and body. Ultimately, to thine own self be true!! People cannot always be trusted to be honest, and it is irresponsible to assume that just because a person says they're "clean" doesn't make it so. If you don't want to end up with an STD or HIV then don't take risks by having unprotected sex period. Sex doesn't always come with intimacy and neither come with a guarantee of honesty. I have to comment on the comment made by "free legal

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