Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Dr. Betty,

Firstly, I'd like to say that I really admire your work; I've learnt a great deal from your website and the TV show you did in GB recently! Where to start? My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over five years now. I am 22 and he is nearly 25 years old. For the last 18 months or so, our sex life has slowly dwindled and has now reached the stage where we don't have sex for well over a month at a time. I have quite a high sex drive and always have had a higher sex drive than my partner, but he seems to have lost his libido almost completely. We have a wonderful relationship in other respects; both of us talk about our plans for the future and I have no doubt that he loves me and wants us to stay together.

I have tried to talk to him about this and I always try to avoid blaming him or getting angry or upset; however, when we talk he says he doesn't know what is causing this. Initially, he suggested it was because I had put on weight, which obviously affected my confidence a great deal. However he has since said it has nothing to do with that. I believe he said this because he either doesn't want to address the issue or simply doesn't know the cause. I love my boyfriend so much and I am desperate to solve this issue between us; I want to spend the rest of my life with this man but I don't think I can settle for a life without sex- why should I have to?! I know you probably have a huge number of e-mails to answer but if you can spare a moment to consider my problem I would be eternally grateful. Thank you Betty!

Sincerely,

Dana

Dear Dana,

Like my Mother always said, "What you see you is what you got," and that's a boyfriend who isn't sexually compatible with you. Another way to see this is that any couple living together often results in a decline of sexual interest for one or both partners. Five years is one of the universal cut off numbers, and the other one is called "The seven year itch." Since you have only been together for a year and a half, I'd say his blaming your weight gain was a poor excuse and bordered on cruelty. At 22, you're way too young to be tied down to a partner who no longer wants to have sex with you. Other than going for short term counseling which rarely changes people, I'd recommend you rethink your desire to "spend the rest of my life with him."

I believe young people need to have more sexual experiences before they chose someone for a lifetime. Maybe both of you could consider taking some time off from your relationship to experiment with dating other people. Otherwise, you'll have to accept his lower interest in partnersex and spend the rest of your life filling in with masturbation or sneaking in an affair later on. I was in this situation too, and after seven years of marriage to a great guy with low sexual interest, I scratched my itch and we got divorced. While they say "Sex isn't everything" the lack of it causes most breakups. In other words, it might be best for both of you to move along.

Betty