Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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I am 29 years old and I've recently found myself in a sexual rut. Since the age of 17, I have enjoyed sex with many partners---around 50 to be exact. For the last two and a half years, I have been in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful man. He is supportive, patient, and kind in all aspects of the relationship. However, for some reason, I'm feeling less and less interested in sex. Every time he initiates it, I feel suffocated. I always push him away. I actually feel like I can't breathe.

When we do have sex, I usually feel half there, half somewhere else. I used to LOVE one night stands. Chasing and catching a partner was so exciting. Sometimes I think having to face the same partner over and over again freaks me out b/c it can't just be a fling. I feel like I really have to "let him in." I'm not used to having multi-dimensional, I-love-you-sex. I'm used to hot, meaningless transactions. I dunno. I feel really messed up about it and I'm afraid I'm going to eventually lose him if I keep this up. Please help!

Dear MN,

Some men and a few women have chosen a life of bachelorhood, never committing to one partner. If a person believes they have a right to choose the kind of lifestyle they want, I believe that choice is appropriate for them at the time. However, it sounds like you are conflicted between making a commitment to one person or continuing to play the field. If you want to make a commitment to another person then some kind of short term counseling would make sense. However, If you are drawn to a committed relationship because it's what everyone else does, it will eventually break down and become a problem.

One thing that might unblock your feelings of being suffocated during partnersex would be sharing masturbation with your BF. It's a grand opportunity to practice being vulnerable. Finally all of what you are struggling with needs to be shared with him so communicate so he will better understand who you are. It just might be that once he knows about your conflict, he'll solve your problem by taking off. Then you'll be free to enjoy your flings again. Choice is a bitch isn't it. Let me know what you end up doing.

Dr. Betty