Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Betty:

I have read and enjoyed your website for years and purchased many products over time. I appreciate your candor and straight forward advice, with which I agree most of the time. As a 57 year old male in a 35 year monogamous marriage, I think you missed something in your advice posted on line referenced above. WHAT ABOUT THE HUSBAND? I readily agree that from my perspective it is a selfish question, and one you have answered several times in the past. I think women should be advised of the pain from physical and emotional withdrawal her husband is going through, and given some advice on how she can ease that pain if she wants him to stick around to assist with her illnesses. I agree he has to be supportive of her lack of interest in sex and not push it, but she needs to be supportive of his need for physical connections and assist him to remain emotionally close to her.

I can't thank you enough for your advice column, which has been a life saver for me in going through a similar ordeal, because after reading yours and others' books and materials my spouse is just no longer interested. Things never stay the same, so one has to adapt or die. Thanks for your assistance in adapting.

Guy

Dear Guy,

Your question isn't selfish at all. It's reasonable to want partnersex. As you might have suspected by now, I'm not a big fan of monogamy. Maybe it's because I was never successful at it. The idea of it freaked me out so much that I cheated the first year I was married. The guilt was so awful I made it a point to never do it again, but like you, I ended up sacrificing physical intimacy.

A friend and colleague recently suggested I use the term "sexually exclusive" as monogamous means "married to one person." It says nothing about assumed sexual exclusivity. I don't see why people can't be married and faithful to themselves. By that I mean faithful to their own sexual needs and not limited by a partner, especially one who is no longer interested in having sex. Truth is, many husbands and some wives end up having sex outside marriage either by mutual agreement or on the sly. It has nothing to do with loving a spouse less. If your wife isn't interested in being sexual with you or even affectionate, maybe it's time for you to stop adapting and get a massage with a happy ending that's actually quite safe. Or hire a professional sex worker who will be more than happy to please you. Life is too short not to enjoy some form of sexual pleasures.

Betty