Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hello Betty,

I've spent a lot of time over the last month reading up on your website. This is really hard for me to admit, but I am 31 and I've never had an orgasm, or at least what I think an orgasm is supposed to be. This is really hard for me to talk about, as far as being so graphic, but judging from your website, you are completely open and I love that about you!!

I started masturbating at the age of 11, totally by accident. I was sitting on the arm of a couch and started rocking back and forth for no particular reason when all of a sudden I felt this amazing sensation. What I didn't know back then was that I had my first orgasm. At 11 years old, it scared me to death, but after that I was addicted. I was 17 when I had sex for the first time and it was horrible. I couldn't feel anything, but I figured my second time would be better. The second time was the same and from then on nothing changed. When I was 21 I got married. Throughout that whole entire time I was able to have clitoral orgasms, but during actual sex I was not able to have an orgasm or feel anything at all.

I know that not all women have orgasms during sex, maybe that's not that abnormal, but the part that has always caused me a lot of concern is not only can I not have orgasms during sex, I also can't feel anything. When my husband would insert his penis into my vagina, it felt about as good as me putting my finger in my mouth (stupid example, I know, but I don't know how else to explain it other than saying there was absolutely no sensations whatsoever). So I had to fake orgasms throughout my entire marriage. My friends would talk about having these incredible orgasms the night before and I could never relate.

I am now divorced and after 6 years of being single and wanting nothing to do with sex, I have met someone wonderful and I'm so unbelievably attracted to him. I have held off on having sex with him because I'm terrified of the disappointment of not being able to feel anything, of not being able to enjoy it. Betty, I don't know what to do. I desperately want to enjoy sex. Maybe I have it all wrong; maybe I need to stop listening to other people and what it's like for them, because it only makes me feel abnormal. But I thought that when a man was moving his penis in and out of you, that it was supposed to feel good? I have never asked anyone these questions because I felt embarrassed, and I wasn't sure that I could explain it correctly. I just felt that I must be a freak, the only woman in the world who feels absolutely nothing during sex.

You might have some questions for me before you can help me so I'll explain a few things to make sure I'm describing myself well here. For one thing, I can definitely feel something when I stimulate my clit. During foreplay I become very turned on, I get wet, I feel sensations down there without being stimulated, but as soon as my partner penetrates me....absolutely nothing. If I move around just right, I can have a clitoral orgasm during sex, but nothing more than that. My husband was of adequate size and so a small penis was not the problem (if indeed that would cause a problem in the first place). Also, I bought myself the Magic Wand and absolutely love it!! I tried some of the attachments and inserted them into my vagina with the Wand turned on hoping that the strong vibrations would bring some sensation, but again I felt nothing at all. It's not like it's numb down there, it just doesn't feel good at all, no matter what I do.

Betty I need your help. I don't know if I've just been seeing things wrong, or if there is something physically wrong with me. I don't feel that I'm normal and I desperately want to have a normal, wonderful sexual relationship with my fiancé. Sorry for the book and I thank you so much for your time.

L

Dear L,

You are part of an enormous number of women who simply need basic sex information and education about female sexuality. All orgasms are centered in the clitoris and separating clitoral vs. vaginal orgasm is incorrect and non-productive. The problem has always been society's definition of partnersex that's all wrong. So what if a few women can climax from fucking only? The majority of us need some form of direct clitoral stimulation at the same time. The clitoris is our primary sex organ. The vagina is the birth canal with a minimum of nerve endings which for most of us means it's a secondary form of sexual stimulation.

Follow the directions in my book "Orgasms for Two" and you will discover that combining clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration while using your PC muscle (Check out the info under Betty's Vaginal Barbell) will give you lots of good feelings that will lead to orgasms. I even have drawings that show how to combine a vibrator with partnersex. And stop listening to exaggerated descriptions of "fabulous orgasmic sex" from your friends. I'll wager they are faking as many orgasms as you did in your past. We know it's all about appearances in our superficial society. You are an orgasmic woman struggling with the wrong definition of partnersex according to Freud who's been dead a long time.

Betty