Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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An optional first step from "The Sexual Healing Journey" by survivor Dr. Wendy Malz is abstinence, for a period of time, and in a way, that you decide. It make sense, since rape is violation. Sex *can't not remind you* of the rape. The memories fade if they're not stimulated, and an image of yourself as empowered, sexual, and worthy of pleasure emerges when you slowly build a completely trusting experience with your partner, over many sessions as the Dr. explains. I recommend the book.

My rape was at age 20. It was my first time with a man, so like, you, Rape Survivor, I was a virgin. I'd had *lots* of anal play by myself, and thought I knew my way around, but all I knew was my own anatomy; I didn't know someone could just plain lie. Everything up to the moment of penetration was a lie, the penetration was like beng stabbed, and after that came 23 years of "treatment for an organic brain disease", disability, poverty, shame, and hiding what I knew. That's why I posted this here after watching Doson and Ross on YouTube. Trauma can be as disabling as amputation.

In contrast, my first encounter with a woman was completely natural, joyful, satisfying, and normal. She and I were both virgins. Her menstrual period made penetration very easy, and complied with Catholic concepts of naturalness. We could talk about it before and after. She married a solider, had four beautiful boys, and died of breast cancer too young.

There *is* hope for recovery. A friend used crystal meth, had orgies with dozens of men, and finally got help. He said to me "I want it to feel special again." He leads an activism and recovery group now. It can feel special again.

Three healing modalities show promise for me: EMDR (3 years already), pelvic floor therapy, and a related practice of gentle contact with water that I've developed by and for myself, and which has resulted in an invention. (My first career was machining metal)

1) EMDR activates the bridge between the halves of the brain with the eye movement and discharges the traumatic memories, while the therapist challenges and deconstructs the maladapative beliefs formed at the moment of trauma. 2) I haven't started pelvic floor therapy yet, but I have an order for it from an understanding *female* urologist who detected a spasm during during a prostate exam. (I'm of a certain age) 3) My practice with water goes from hot baths for relaxation to reminding myself that I'll feel better if people see me groomed (positive feedback), and on to water washing into my rectum horizontally from the modified bath tap while I exercise my control and convince my "inner child" that my "down there" is a clean, healthy place that is private and mine to do with as I chose. My current parnter had five orgasms in a row with that setup as she reclined in the tub with her book and her wine.

I'll have another male partner one day, I am sure of it. You can have the kind of partner you want, Rape Survivor, and the kind of pleasure you want, too. I am sure of that. That he is "willing to wait" is a good sign. He's amenable. I suggest you tell him you appreciate that.

What to expect? Some fumbling for words, and yes, some misunderstanding and doubt. I think your first real time will be more difficult than if you'd never had any sexual contact at all, because rape is sexual contact, but rape isn't about sex, not really.

The rapist wanted to subjugate and dominate you, to victimize you, but you survived, and now you're a survivor. If you weren't, we'd be missing you very much. The rapist had his moment. This is your time now; you can make of it anything you wish it to be.

Douglas (Dana) Goncz, CPS, DHIQ
Idealist (Healer) at Replikon Research
Seven Corners, VA 22044-0394
Student (NVCC) Member AASECT through 2010-05-27

I see this was posted almost 2 years ago (I just recently found and joined here), so I am probably way too late, but maybe others will read this.

One thing I would recommend is having a "safe word". This is a word that if at anytime you say it, your partner will stop. If for any reason things are getting to be too much, if you start having a flashback, etc., then you say the word you have designated as your safe word. This is something that is not just for the first time having sex after being raped, but even years down the road.

I also agree with Betty's advice. Getting to know your own body and learning what you like and don't like is very important. If you find certain things that you don't like, or that may trigger bad memories, make sure to discuss these things with your partner.

"Next spend time kissing, hugging and touching each other's genitals
several sessions before attempting penetration sex. Consider sharing
masturbation together so you can see how each of you handles your sex
organs."

I don't think I can add more to that...it is great advice. :)

The only other thing I can think of is "setting". Make sure you are in a place you feel completely safe being. If you have music that you find peaceful and calming it might help to have this playing. Soft lighting, such as candles. I know some people will only have sex in the dark for various reasons. Ever since being raped I have been scared of the dark (I'm 29 and can not sleep without a nightlight). Candles will give enough light, but not too much if you don't like being intimate with the lights on. It also can be romantic, which is an added bonus.

The biggest thing I can say is wait until you are ready. Only you will know when the time is right. Trust yourself and what you feel. When the time is right you will know.