Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty,

What can I do to allow myself to let my husband bring me to orgasm. Over the years I've had very lazy lovers who were not interested in putting in the effort to find out what worked for me. Although I masturbated my entire life I never accidently had an orgasm and being in a very religious family I had never realized that women did.

I find it odd that I didn't accidently have one as I spent a lot of time masterbating through my teens. I was 18 before I had sex and my first boyfriend told me about female orgasms. When I couldn't promptly perform he simply bought me a vibrator. That did the trick.

Unfortunately I never became very good at manual stimulation to the point of orgasm. While I've tried, it simply isn't as stimulating as using my toy. Also, I find that I have always needed a lot of stimulation, the battery operated vibrators never worked for me. Consequently, I have taken care of my own orgasms ever since. Never expecting anyone to put in the effort. I've decided I want and expect that now but I'm afraid I am too used to doing it my way.

Dear FF,

Your difficulty goes back to your religious upbringing. Chances are good that you were having small orgasms and couldn't identify them. Otherwise why would you have continued with your masturbation? Once we get used to a particular form of clitoral stimulation like a vibrator, it's very difficult to switch over to a lessor form. The standard advice is to retire your vibrator and suffer through months of going without orgasms until you can adjust to manual touch.

Personally, when I discovered how good my orgasms were with a vibrator in my mid-thirties, I had no desire to back down to a more "conventional" and lessor form of stimulation which meant my lovers fingers or tongue or his dick. He enjoyed the vibrator as much as I did. Like you I need a lot of stimulation and his different body parts got tired. With a vibrator on my clit and his penis inside my vagina, we had wonderful orgasmic partnersex. Our orgasms never stay the same. Each decade brings changes in our sexual responses that we need to accept. Just add a new hot fantasy or a new game to play with your lover.

Today my stand is that using a vibrator is my sexual preference. Love me, love my vibrator. Although you didn't mention your age, chances are good that your best bet would be to incorporate the vibrator into the sex you have with your partner. That's what my book, "Orgasms for Two" is about. With the deluge of sex in our culture, women must watch their expections of orgasm and enjoy what's happening.

Dr. Betty