Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Betty,

I'm a young woman from Romania and I'm currently reading Orgasms for Two and I just HAD to stop to write you an email. While I don't agree with some of the radical ideas on marriage and love in your book (but then I'm only 25) I found what I read so far to be ...liberating. I know your inbox is probably flooded with emails so I'll keep this quick but still hope for an answer.

First about the Kegels, what do you mean by not bearing down and lifting up? Maybe it's because English is my second language. When I contract the PC muscle I can feel it lifting upwards and drawing the muscles in my buttocks and the vagina up with it. Is that what you mean? Secondly, in every aspect of my life I have trouble concentrating onto 2 things at a time and sex is no exception. I can't focus on stimulating my clit and doing kegels or vaginal penetration at the same time and given that a fuller orgasm is probably the result of multiple sources of stimulation that leaves me at a distinct disadvantage, when alone or with my partner.

Now for the larger issue. I've been in a relationship with a guy my age for 2 years, we were both virgins. Every single time we tried to have sex it was a disaster. I was nervous but my boyfriend was downright frightened. Our sex was rare and still is. He was verbally abused by his father his whole life and mocked endlessly about having never been with a woman until his mid 20s. He takes ages to come through penetration but is slightly quicker during oral sex. He also doesn't masturbate.. ever! He is also uneducated about sex, the male or female body. You know how kids are when they refuse to do something and pull back and struggle? That's what my boyfriend was like the first time I asked him to put his fingers inside my vagina. He acted like it was going to bite them off, yet he had no trouble sticking his penis inside! He obviously has some serious issues, but I've taken it upon myself to help him overcome them for both our sakes.

He's already seeing a therapist about his childhood but I doubt he talks about his sex life with her. He's damaged, I know. Anyway, I want to gradually get him to open up about sex, to talk about it, to read about it, to let go of the responsibility he feels he has to make me come, and I also want to get him to masturbate which I now consider to be healthy and necessary to every human being (I've masturbated a few times myself but was frustrated with lack of success until I got a Rabbit vibe which gave me my first orgasm 2 months ago, needless to say, I've been on a self discovery journey ever since). His barriers are obviously psychological but I can just see this sexual beast lying inside dying to come out. I intend to give him your "Orgasms for Two" book to read but any other suggestion is most welcome. I'd really love a reply, I'm sure you don't get many emails from Romania this articulate in English ;)

Thanks,

CR

Dear CR
Your description of doing Kegel exercises is correct. It's the same muscle that stops the flow of urine and once you contact it, you know it for sure. Also with practice you will be able to stimulate your clitoris and squeeze the pelvic floor muscle at the same time. Don't think about it so much. Just add some clit stim next time you're doing your Kegels.

As for your BF, you are taking on a lot of responsibility being his "other" therapist, something I would not recommend. Since you are on a self-discovery mission, you can invite him to join you but don't spend too much time trying to change him. We can change ourselves but it's nearly impossible to change another person. Yes, your English is excellent but your choice of lovers could be improved upon. From what you have said, this young man has a lot of baggage. I'd like to see you enjoying partnersex with a guy who could help you grow too instead of spending your youth on a wounded soul. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Dr. Betty