Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty

I think your advice & comments are wonderful! It's great to hear your straight-forward (pardon the pun!) thoughts & opinions on the subjects of sex and masturbation. I wish you were on the home page to ever newspaper in the country... and I'm hoping you can help me with my problem.

My problem is my husband is awful to sleep with! By sleep, I really mean *sleep*! While we are both sleeping he fondles me repeatedly throughout the night, despite my pushing him off or away. Many times I wake up with him on top of me, trying to have sex with me, sometimes using force. He's even refused to stop, pining my arms down, or using the weight of his body to keep me from moving. To get away from him I have to punch or kick or pinch, shout at him, all sorts of things. He has ZERO memory of it in the morning--I believe him, too! He is normally a gentle, sensitive guy, and this kind of behavior is waaaaay out of the norm for him. Because we have two small children, sleep is really precious and I hate being woken up repeatedly throughout the night. Also, in the mornings, especially after a more violent episode, I feel hurt and assaulted, and sometimes it takes days and days to begin feeling safe again.

We've been married for over 10 years, and he's always been like this. Our sex-life is so-so; we have pretty good, frequent sex (the frequency, by the way, has no effect on whether he does this at night--one time we had sex 3 times in one day and that night he masturbated himself in his sleep, tearing his underwear to get to his cock!) but I think this thing of his is having a terrible effect on sex for me--I use a vibrator to cum during sex--but I don't feel comfortable or relaxed during partnersex with him. Any thoughts on how do I get him to stop? He sort of understands the effect it has on me, but I don't know what to do--I feel like it's caused a fatal blow to our relationship. Even though he's a great guy during the day, my body feels violated and hurt. What do I do? Help!

SF

My Dear Woman, get separate beds ASAP. His sexual advances are like a person who gets up in the middle of the night, goes to the frig and makes himself a sandwhich while in his sleep. Don't suffer another night with his unconscious behavior. It's not his fault. Meanwhile it's destroying you! Really Darling, I can't imagine you've waited this long.

Personallly, I stopped "sleeping" in the same bed with a lover once I was married when it became expected. Women need to separate sleeping with someone from having sex with someone. Eric and always had our own bed but we snuggled before and after sex. Whenever there is a discussion about this with a group of women, nearly all of us agree that we would rather have our own beds.

Dr. Betty