Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Sixty used to seem old to me, but now it's more like the youth of old age because life expectancy has been increasing. The AARP Bulletin recently reported a big increase in the number of people 85 and over. Most of these octogenarians are in pretty good health, and they are living alone out of choice. Can eighty year olds have orgasms? If they are still interested in sex, the answer is Yes!

One of the most important ways to continue being sexual is to masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. Partner sex for older people might pose certain problems due to physical disability or lack of an available partner because of divorce or being widowed, but making love to ourselves is readily available and highly desirable.

We can also share masturbation with a partner, and by that I mean she does herself and he does himself, or we can take turns doing manual sex for each other. The erotic hand job breaks us out of our rigid heterosexual role conditioning that says there's one "right" way to have sex; the man on top with a "boner," holding back until his beloved comes and then finally coming himself. That's not likely to work for either the older male or female. She doesn't like intercourse because her vaginal lining is too thin, and besides, she seldom if ever had an orgasm from the "missionary position" anyway. He can't perform like a stud because he has lower back problems and he needs more direct stimulation to get and keep an erection. So now they can finally relax, and share a sexual activity that works for both of them. Most likely that will be manual sex, oral sex, or sharing masturbation.

I've gotten quite a few letters from older married men who tell me their only sexual outlet is masturbation because their wives are no longer interested in sex. This is the tragedy of the sexual double standard where society supports men to be sexual while it controls female sexuality with the two views of woman: Madonna or Whore. In our desire to be "good girls" we never fully develop ourselves sexually, so when we get older, not having sex is often seen as a relief. Many older men get to continue enjoying orgasms with a younger partner, or by themselves with masturbation.

Several male clients in their late sixties and seventies came to see me because they were no longer getting fully erect and wanted to know if I could advise them on new ways to masturbate. They had seen a urologist and were told there was nothing wrong except the natural aging process. Without a erection these men thought it was the end of their sex lives. The American sexual tragedy strikes again: sex equals a hard penis inside a wet vagina!

This is where sextoys come in handy. I show my clients how they can masturbate with an electric massager on a soft penis, while consciously working the PC muscle. (Many vibrators work like a dream for overall body massage and genital stimulation as well.) Check out the many other sex catalogs available on our website for a fascinating variety of toys.

With one hand on the shaft of the penis, the other hand moves the massager around and over the glans, shaft, and testicles according to individual preference. Vibrator virgins may want to use a piece of fabric to soften the vibes. By rocking the pelvis, breathing out loud, squeezing the PC muscle, and having a sexual fantasy that occupies the mind, sexual feelings and sensations will breakthrough to produce a diffused, different kind of orgasm, some with or without ejaculate.

After our first session, one man in his mid seventies wrote to me filled with gratitude, and I quote: "It was you who suggested sleeping nude, and what a pleasure that is. I also started getting a professional massage which you also recommended, and it's great to be touched again. I still get my best orgasm reading pornographic material, but I finally had one in the shower after much playing with my penis, and I got one in bed with the electric massager." This man's wife of 40 years is now 75, and he said she's not in good health. At 70 she thought her life was going to end, so she dropped all activities that she liked, makes no effort to exercise, and often expresses the wish to die. Meanwhile he has decided to continue having orgasms with himself, and he's alive and well. Although I find it difficult to visualize a life without orgasms, there are more people than we realize who are living without partnersex or masturbation. Just the other day I got a letter from a woman in her late fifties who hasn't had partner sex for 20 years, and she finds it nearly impossible to enjoy masturbation. Yet, she's still interested in sex or she wouldn't have contacted me to inquire about workshops and private sessions.

Most of the sixty year old women in my seminars admit their marital sex is either over, or completely routine and boring. After years of unsuccessfully trying to change their husbands, they've finally reached a point where they just want to learn how to do it for themselves. Once they discover how much fun it is to explore their own minds and bodies while using an electric massager, having regular orgasms allows them to be happier women.

But not everyone can feel happy alone. One older woman in a workshop said, "I'd rather have boring sex with a man than sex with myself!" Her husband had recently divorced her for a younger woman, and she was feeling abandoned. Another woman responded to her statement by saying, "I'd rather masturbate than put up with boring partner sex." She'd been married three times and was now a committed single at the age of 64. She looks forward to living life fully, enjoying her love affair with herself.

In another group, a vital 71 year old told me how much she enjoys exploring the world of X-rated videos with the clicker in one hand to fast forward, and her electric massager in the other. Browsing different sex catalogs that are full of dildos, vibrators, lubricants, books and videos, she always on the look-out for the next sex toy that can provide an evening of adult entertainment. She also feels free to talk about her adventures of selfloving with two of her best women friends. Now they exchange masturbation techniques along with their favorite recipes. They agree that talking about sex is almost as much fun as doing it. No one has to be stuck living a life without orgasms. When our founding fathers changed the wording of the bill of rights from, "Life, liberty and the possession of property," to "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," I for one include sexual happiness. Pleasure belongs to anyone who is willing to take responsibility for creating it at every age. Here's to all of us older folks having many happy orgasms.