Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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Hi Betty,

I have a huge problem. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now. She was in a very violent relationship before me and when we got together it took us five months before having sex. In the beginning she would twist when I would just touch her back, not in the good sense. She doesn't like oral sex, well she loves giving but not receiving. I've never given her oral sex. She doesn't like me to touch her, she likes touching me. It's been very few times when I've penetrated her with my fingers. She has cysts and says it's painful for her. When I try to touch her she starts touching me so she is the one giving me pleasure or she gives me excuses like she needs to go to the bathroom or something like that.

I've been very gentle with her and I haven't tried to pressure her or anything. The thing is, I am now in the point where I feel stuck, I don't like just receiving  so my creativity in bed is dead. I hate knowing that she has never had an orgasm with me. I feel guilty because I am the only one in bed to feel pleasure and I don't want to anymore. I sometimes want to make love with somebody else so I am able to perform. I've tried to talk with her about it, but she just says she doesn't like oral sex and that I don't penetrate her when she is aroused, but the thing is I do try but she doesn't let me. I know she just says that as an excuse, because when we talk in the phone she does tell me that she wants me to fuck her and to feel me inside but once I am with her she goes back to being as she was before.

I am not an expert on having sex with women (or men because I am not interested in them) and the little confidence I had is all gone. So now I am stuck big time, because even if she would let me touch her I don't have the confidence to know that I will give her pleasure. It is not something that I can talk with her easily. I am not satisfied in bed and neither is she and I don't feel as if I could talk with her about this.

The thing is we are completely in love of one another. I know she doesn't even masturbate because I am from Mexico and I went to the US to study for a while when we where together. Once when she was very horny I told her to give pleasure to herself and she said she didn't like to. Now I know that it is because she doesn't like to be touched, but I still can't understand it!! I do know that she did everything with her ex-girlfriend, so I can't understand why she doesn't even want to try it with me.

P

Dear PL,

My position on these impossible relationships with one person wanting sex and the other avoiding it, is that what you see is what you got. You can change yourself but not another person. If she wanted to change she would have written this question instead of you.

Unless she seeks some kind of counseling, you can spend many more years being her unofficial therapist while she tortures you with her resistance to change. I don't know how you define "love" but that's not what you have here. It's a frustration induced fixation that will keep you stuck indefinitely. My suggestion is to move along. Other wise you will have a double drowning as you both sink to the bottom of a sexless sea.

Dr. Betty