Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

• Login
• Join

Search this site:

Dr. Betty,

I hope you have a moment for me. Forgive my length. I have a personal question that's been tormenting but I'm too ashamed to ask anyone I know. I've been casually following you for years and I'm sure you won't judge me too harshly. I'm wondering if I was abused and if a friend I had for many years, I'll call him John, was the abuser rather than a friend. I'm torn between the excitement I had and the guilt I feel. I sometimes feel ashamed. I feel bad but at the same time get aroused by my memories and wish I had done more. I'm not sure whether to report him or thank him. One thing I know- my libido is high because of him so I masturbate often when I'm not having sex.

Although he's 5 years older, we used to play together as kids. He did soccer and sports like me, very physical. Sex started becoming the focus when I was 12. He showed me one of those fleshlight things. He said their cleaning lady gave it to him to use and that she liked to use it on him whenever she was there. I asked him to show me how it worked and he did but I still didn't believe him- until he let me hide in a closet and watch. She was 40+ but not bad looking for an old person. She would open her blouse and have him touch her breasts while she did her thing to him. She pulled it off of him and used her hand as he was about to come so she could watch. They seemed very used to this and I was envious. She complimented him and reminded him to do it every night, which he did. She never asked anything of him but just wanted to make him cum for some odd reason I couldn't figure out. She cleaned house twice a week.

I was aroused, disgusted, and jealous all at the same time but I watched many times after that just to be sure. He let me use it on him too. We both liked the excitement and the feeling so I continued using it on him regularly on days when the cleaning lady wasn't there helping him. When I was ready, I began using it too. Sometimes to each other, sometimes solo.

He never forced me to do anything and we never actually had sex but he did encourage me to masturbate and I enjoyed it. He said we both had the same need level and he wished he'd done it more when he was my age so he could have avoided some problems with his penis. He never said what were the problems but it got my attention. With his help, by 13 I was masturbating regularly and often and used to it.

I wanted one of my own but I wasn't old enough to go into those kind of stores and I wasn't luck enough to have a maid give me one. He bought me one for my 14th birthday.

My mom eventually found it and asked me about it and where I got it. I thought she would be mad but said it was fine and that I had a good friend- that she had vibrators and had gotten her first from a friend too. She was divorced and I didn't really have a dad at the time so she felt it was good of John to educate me and help me through the difficulties of male puberty about which she knew little. She liked him a lot after that and she started having him over more and hung out together. Unfortunately, that only encouraged me, making me feel even more at ease masturbating myself and with friends. I wanted to show it off so I masturbated with another friend who was only 11 at the time. After he ejaculated, I discovered I had just helped him come his first time and he really liked it. We did it together many times after that. When I was 16 John moved away but I had two friends by then I was masturbating with.

I'm 22 now and looking back I realized I may have been abused. John was 5 years older than I was and we were still mutual masturbating until I turned 16 and he moved away. Even though it seemed mutual, I enjoyed it, and often even initiated it, I was younger and not able to make those decisions. Problem is, my mom knew some of this and liked John so that would make her guilty too. But I recently found out that John had been masturbating also with another boy around the same time he was masturbating with me. It made me very jealous and start rethinking it all. But then there's me. Because of John's influence on me, I too introduced younger friends to masturbation. Are we all guilty?

I'm in a stable hetero relationship with a great girl in college. We have a healthy sexual relationship and both enjoy masturbating and are open about it. My grades are good and I hold a steady part-time job. I don't feel like my life was destroyed so I don't feel abused. But I do feel guilty. The two friends I used to masturbate with are fine too and have no regrets about it. They look back and chuckle. I know masturbation and we should all spread its virtues but I still feel like society is telling me my experience was wrong and I am damaged. Please give me your thoughts and advice. How should I guide my own son oneday, if the time should come?

R

Dear R,

You can let go of your torment. The only abuse you have suffered is society's obsession of trying to control people's sexual expression. I read you past history as a healthy exchange between young adolecent boys, a generous maid who was not brain washed by religion, and a reasonable Mom who was sex positive. Guilt feelings are totally worthless. They keep us stuck in one place, we don't learn from them and feeling guilty rarely leads lto taking some kind of action toward a positive change. Dump your guilt and enjoy your healthy happy sex life.

Dr. Betty

Dear Betty,

Thank you. You don't know how relieved and gratified I am by your reply. This all came to a head because I bumped into John recently after he moved into the area. He asked me to swing by and see him sometime but was a bit nervous. I was surprised because I didn't know how to react. I guess I wanted to thank him all along but wasn't sure it would be right. I know he'll be pleased and excited when I thank him for nurturing my sexual response and pleasure so early. I would not be who I am today without that. He'll also be relieved. I'm not gay but I think I know just how to relieve him if he'll let me.

I'll let you know how it turns out if you like.
R