Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty

I'm 31, married with two wonderful kids and an equally wonderful husband. We have a very routinish sex life. I initiated much more than him when we were younger and have always been quite an erotic person - now Ive "de-sexed" myself (is that a term?), so that we're equally unerogenous. I know this suites my husband well, as all he's ever wanted was sex once a week (dominant male - non-dominant female etc. etc). I'm easily turned on by my husband and adore him. I'm sad that my sexuality is somewhat repressed - and often climax alone during masturbation simply because our love-making is not very exciting to me.

We've spent hours talking about this - and have gotten nowhere. If you ask me it always boils down to our different libidos. Who said men are supposed to have stronger urges than females?
I think its rubbish! I have a lot of trouble figuring out how I can gain a sexually satisfying present and future with my husband. Another issue is that I can only climax through masturbation - but only in a very definite position. Lying on my stomach using both hands while using my thighs for squeezing motions.

To me it doesn't seem as though my clitoris plays a very big role (although some). I seem to trigger something a little up and along the wall of my vagina. I have extremely strong and can acheive fast orgasms this way - and have been doing it this way since early teens. During ordinary sex I feel almost nothing - only if I'm very aroused. Still - orgasm seems a long way off. No finger-clitting seems to help. The fact that my husband comes much faster than I do is a stress factor which is not very relaxing on top of this... Can you tell me why I can only climax this way - is there something to be done, so I can get more sensation during ordinary sex with fingering etc. with my husband? Do you have any other advice regarding our situation - libido-wise?

Thank you so much for being you!

You need to go through a gradual process of altering your masturbation style. When changing a fixed pattern for your orgasms, you will need patience. After reading First Time Orgasm and my book Orgasms for Two, lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor incorporate all the information available on the site and in my book.

Spend at least 15-30 minutes practicing this new style, then end with "old faithful". You and your husband might consider taking some adult sex workshops together or some short term sex counseling. You both need basic sex information that includes sexual skills.

Dr. Betty