Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I can orgasm through masturbation but not through oral or vaginal sex. Because I masturbate on my stomach, I can't do it during sex or have my boyfriend do it for me during sex. Sometimes during sex, I try to touch my clitoris but often during that time, it is insensitive. As it is sometimes during oral sex. Any suggestions? Is it mental? I do enjoy sex and want it - I just can't orgasm.

I'm frustrated when there is no sensation when my clitoris is touched. Thanks!

Dear E,

Many women develop a masturbation style in childhood that is impossible to translate into partnersex later on in life. Yours is actually quite common; lying on your stomach with your hand between your legs. You are stimulating your clit with a fairly hard pressure which is difficult to translate into partnersex as you've already discovered. But it was great as a child because it made it difficult for a grownup to catch you playing with yourself.
Our clits are more than that little pea that you can see or feel.

Get my book "Orgasms for Two" and check out the diagrams of the female genitals. The last chapter describes my process of coaching a woman with an orgasm problem. Begin by watching yourself in a free standing as you explore your entire vulva. Then focus on your clitoris by touching it with a well oiled finger above, to the side and underneath. After a while, end by doing an over all vulva massage while continuing to watch yourself in the mirror. This will begin to familiarize your vulva and different kinds of touch.

It takes time and patience to change a masturbation pattern. You have accustomed the entire area to hard pressure. Now pay attention to how a more direct but lighter form of clitoral stimulation feels. Use plenty of lubrication; touch your clitoris from soft to firm, fast and slow. Later on, experiment with a vibrator. During each masturbation session, spend at least 15 minutes or longer experimenting with clitoral stimulation. To avoid ending up feeling frustrated, finish with "old faithful" by using your familiar pattern. Just remember that practice and patience are the basics of mastering any new sexual skill.

Dr. Betty

Thank you SO much for getting back to me. Your explanation makes complete sense and I feel like for the first time, someone understands! I will follow your instructions. Just a couple of follow-up questions:

1) I had mentioned that sometimes during vaginal or oral sex, my clitoris is insensitive. Is that also because of what I have gotten used to? Sometimes I seriously don't feel anything.

2) Embarrassingly, I have now gotten used to masturbating to porn. I find it embarrassing. Is it possibly that it has mentally made me unable to feel more during sex?

3) I have orgasmed once lying on my back during masturbation and once during oral sex. But both times it was such a weak orgasm in comparison to on my stomach. Any thoughts?

Thanks again. I can't tell you how much appreciate your web site and your reply.

-E

Dear E,

Yes, your clit will gradually respond to different forms of stimulation. Instead of using standard porn, create stories in your mind while using a vibrator. Those "weak" orgasms will grow to bigger ones that you will enjoy. Trust your body and get out of your head. How about doing some yoga and meditation?

Dr. Betty