Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I am 24 years old and although I have been masturbating for a few years,have had some wonderful partners, and don't really have any guilt around sex, I just can't seem to reach orgasm. I have actually managed to get much closer with a partner than alone -- to the point where I feel 99.99999% there and my body just won't let go. I'm wondering if it could be some kind of mental block? I just don't know what it is.

I might just be too self-conscious to cum for the first time in front of my boyfriend (as loving as he is), but I have been experimenting for a few years with masturbation and not getting very far. I know how to get myself aroused very quickly, but I tend to sort of get bored, or I can't figure out how to find more pleasure after the first wave is done. And then I feel like I cheated myself when I stop, at the same time as it seems like too much work to bother -- and what's the point if it's not fun??

I read your "First Orgasm" article and tried using that, but I'm confused about something. I can't seem to figure out what exactly the PC muscle is. There seem to be two different muscles down there that do different but similar things. Looking at the mirror, one moves my anus more, and the other makes these really tiny subtle movements in the whole genital area. And I can't seem to use that one when I'm being penetrated (or penetrating myself) with any more than a finger, or I can't feel it, or something. I definitely practice flexing and exercising muscles down there, but they just seem to be weak -- if we're having sex sometimes my boyfriend will say "squeeze" and it's like I just can't do anything. I also have trouble breathing naturally and staying aroused. It's like I can't breathe fully if I'm contracting all the muscles I want to. (..except I can breathe just fine during sex and still get 99.99999% there, in the right position..)

Any thoughts would be very helpful! Thanks!

KL

Dear KL,

When you are practicing your Kegels, the muscle is released after you squeeze it. This is repeated rhythmically with squeeze, release, squeeze, release. The only way this would interfere with your breathing would be if you are holding the muscle tight and not letting it go. Instead of thinking this might be some kind of mental block, I'd suggest you reconsider what you think an orgasm should be like. Many women have nice small comes but they can't recognize them because their expectations for an orgasm are exaggerated. The way to work all of this out is with you masturbation practice. If you can't get yourself off, you will turn into a "cock junkie" who constantly needs HIM to do you.

Continue to explore your body with mastrubation. Trust your body will respond when you get out of your head constantly wondering if you're coming. The tip off is when you say, "I tend to sort of get bored, or I can't figure out how to find more pleasure after the first wave is done." That sounds like an orgasm to me. If you want more sensation, back off your clit for a few moments and continue. Lighten up and have more fun. You are taking all of this very seriously. Pleasure is more light-hearted and not so goal oriented.

Dr. Betty