Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

I love your website and books. My husband and I have read your books together. You have been a great inspiration to us. We sincerely thank you for your work. I do have some questions but first would like to tell you a little bit about ourselves. We are in our sixties, married for over 40 years and have 2 adult daughters. We have had a successful monogamous relationship that was emotionally and intellectually close but sexually boring. Since we had very limited sexual experience before marriage "boring" worked okay for us- that is until about eight years ago when my husband started to experience erectile dysfunction (ED). We did not communicate well about sex and so gradually our sex life became nonexistent.

At about this time I also discovered that I had a number of health issues - severe high blood pressure, diabetes etc. Thanks to a great young woman doctor who got me on the right track, I lost a lot of weight, learned to eat like a healthy diabetic and became quite fit. I do marathons twice a year now, strength train at the gym regularly and my fitness project this year is to incorporate flexibility workouts into my routine, probably Yoga or Pilates.

On the medical side of things everything went really well. I became well enough to go off all my medications and I have the blood sugar levels of a normal person. However, there were other benefits which I hadn't anticipated... sleeping well, becoming more optimistic, looking great and receiving lots of compliments on my appearance... in short looking and feeling better than I had in decades. I also got back my libido. Actually I got more libido back than I started with. This posed a problem of what to do with it. Learning to pleasure myself regularly was a first step. The next step was to learn about and onsider all my different options for enjoying sex. Sex had changed in forty-five years or perhaps it was rather people's expectations and access to information. I decided that I wanted my sex life with my husband back but I also wanted more of it and I wanted it to be much better. What a goal.

The first big hurdle was to get rid of my inhibitions and to start communicating and having sexual contact. It has been a year of learning and sharing. Much has been comic, some tragic, but mostly it has been an incredible amount of fun. But that is a whole long story in itself. We now have what we consider great hot sex several times a week and it keeps getting better. Lots of variety. Lots of new skills learned. Lots of vibrators and other toys. And a real commitment to give and receive great sensual and erotic pleasure with ourselves and each other. I do have some concerns that I hope you could help us with.

My husband is now on medication for ED, Levitra 20 mg. He tried Viagra but didn't like the side-effects. His urologist has found no clinical problems and says that the causes for the ED are probably a combination of psychological and circulatory. He has no problem with getting aroused and his penis can become reasonably firm for a short period of time at the initial stages of arousal but he loses his erection quite quickly even though he becomes increasingly aroused in his mind and other parts of his body. The medication only works for him on an empty stomach which means early morning sex is it. Unfortunately it also has side effects which are uncomfortable for him during the rest of the day. His next six monthly appointment with his urologist is coming up in March so there is an opportunity to look at adjusting the medication or trying another drug like Cialis. In truth, he only needs his erection for vaginal and anal penetration and there are lots of other things that we really enjoy in partner sex. Indeed, he can have orgasms and ejaculate without an erection and some of our best sex has been without the medication.

However, I would be both very sad and my husband would be upset if we could never experience penis/vagina/anal penetration. There is a really big advantage to the medication. He can perform for extended periods of time, no issue with come control, just long delicious hot sweaty sex, sometimes we go on for hours.

So these are the questions: are there alternative treatments for ED? Could a vigorous program of diet and exercise produce similar results to my breakthrough with high blood pressure and diabetes? Who are the leaders in this field? Where can we find the information? And on the subject of male orgasm. The potential for men to orgasm seems as varied as it is for women if not more. My husband can have the standard orgasm with erection and ejaculation. He can also have an orgasm with ejaculation but no erection. But can men have orgasms without erections or ejaculations? I don't mean the experience of younger men who learn to control their ejaculation and perhaps even have a retrograde ejaculation into their bladder. I mean can a man have an orgasm involving the rest of his body without the ejaculation or erection of his penis? I think that it may be possible.

One time recently I was pleasuring my husband. We had had several rounds of different kinds of sex. He had ejaculated once. He was lying on his back and I was crouched between his legs anally penetrating him with a vibrating dildo using one hand and gently giving him a handjob with the other. After some time of gently sliding the vibrating dildo in and out while working his flaccid penis I decided to shift the action. My husband has very sensitive nipples particularly the right one. I leaned over him positioning my knee to hold the vibrator, using my one hand to continue to massage his penis I set my mouth to work on his right nipple, licking, nipping and sucking. It drove him absolutely mad. His body tensed and his legs began to shake as if he were going to have an orgasm. He asked me to stop. He told me that the feeling was too intense. And that the feeling was quite different from feeling on the edge of ejaculation. When I was learning to orgasm I had to learn to get over the point that the sensations were just too much. Once I could get past that point, I felt that I was falling into an orgasm not struggling uphill to achieve one. Can older men become orgasmic in a similar way? I apologize for the length of this question. I am afraid it goes b beyond acceptable internet etiquette but I hope you can make some sense of it and provide some help. Thank you for your great books, videos and web site.

Regards,
Life-is -better -after -sixty.

Dear HO,

Thanks for your appreciation of my efforts to share sex information. The history of your sexual and health recovery is inspirational. I applaud your efforts and enjoyed reading your story of personal success. I believe your husband would also benefit by following your example of diet and lifestyle changes. Since you are in California, you might investigate some of the couples workshops that teach Tantra Sex that combines spiritual and sexual. They approve of men learning to retard ejaculation while having full body orgasms. It might be something that would interest you both. Or not. Also read the essay on my website titled "Sex After Prostate Surgery." The woman speaks about their successful use of a penis pump and cock ring to hold the blood inside maintaining an erection without meds. This might also be fun for the two of you to experiment with.

As for experts in the field of health, I'd look to yourself since you've had the experience of self-healing. Of all the alternative doctors advice letters that promote different healing modalities, I've chosen Dr. David Williams. Also Dr. Weil is well respected in the field of alternative medicine. One bit of advice I'd offer is to enjoy what you've accomplished and not to push so hard to go forward. You two are doing so well. Don't forget to relax and enjoy what you have.

Dr. Betty