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Why does this shit happen?

Sat, 09/16/2006 - 16:34
Submitted by cuntlicker

My girlfriend has been working with me for a couple of weeks now, helping me wash dishes, etc at the restaurant.
Last night there was a slight misunderstanding. It was something stupid and small, really. I thought she was going to do something a certain way, I told her she should do it a different way, but it turned out she was going to do it that way anyway. No big deal. I laughed about it afterwards, and explained to her that I thought she was going to do it the "wrong" way, so that's why I said to do it the "right" way.
She didn't understand me so I explained it 3 or 4 times, but each time she still didnt understand. Then she snaps at me and starts throwing one of those little kid style temper tantrums where they know they can't get away with yelling and screaming, so they start slamming things around and generally doing things a lot harder than necessary.

What the fuck? She's a year older than me for fuck's sake.
This kind of shit rubs me the very worst way. So, I snapped back. I told her to quit throwing a fucking temper tantrum like a little child, because it's not my fault if she refuses to understand a simple explanation in plain english.
(Yes, I know she's not a native english speaker, and she's still studying english, but her english is better than most of the chinese people that I work with and I know she can understand all of the words I used because I've used them before to explain other things to her.)

So, after that she broke out with the waterworks. She cried for a few minutes, then went back to work and hasn't spoken to me since then (last night).
This isn't the first time this shit has happened either. I'm starting to really think it's time to find greener pastures. (I waited until morning to even think about it, because it was pissing me off too much last night. I hate when grown ups act like 5 year olds.)

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Sat, 09/16/2006 - 17:40
Vivian

You know, every time you said "Yuki", I always thought that you were talking about a Japanese girl!

Okay that aside, I would like to say that it doesn't sound like she can take constructive criticism that well. It could be attributed to the fact that she is from another culture. I mean, supposedly Western men treat their women better and the fact that you don't put her up on a pedestal could be something?

Another thing might be that you explaining to her something 3-4 times can be frustrating for her just because she doesn't understand what is going on. She was trying to follow your directives (directions? I guess you can see my English isn't too great either) and got reprimanded for it. I know when my boyfriend corrects my English I am thankful (I say anxiousty instead of anxiety) but sometimes it's just like, "I am trying my best Mr. Dictionary!" And I will admit, it has sometimes reduced me to tears because I feel inadequate (I was born in the United States, but I didn't learn English until I was 5 or 6) and belittled by someone that is supposed to help and support me.

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the issue.

Sat, 09/16/2006 - 18:43
eleni223

if i've learned nothing else, in my many relationships, it's that most fights are not about what most men think they are fighting about.

Yuki may feel that you are a bit controlling or condescending towards her, but last night was the icing on the cake and she exploded.

step back and try to see how you communicate with her, but be honest with yourself, some of this may be your behavior that needs to be changed and some of it may be a cultural difference and some of it may be she is just more sensitive at different times.

really, i think she just wanted to hear you say you were sorry for jumping to conclusions and not giving her more credit that she knew what she was doing in the first place :)

Yes vivian, she is

Sat, 09/16/2006 - 20:10
cuntlicker

Yes vivian, she is japanese. We've known each other for about 5 years now, and been dating for most of that. (Dated for a couple years, broke up but stayed close, and then got back together again.)

She always asks me to help her with her english, usually with the complicated stuff. She does make some basic grammar mistakes, etc from time to time but most of my friends think she's pretty close to being fluent. (Or at least fluent enough.) Even when we're working together, she'll pretty much randomly ask me questions about english. Or, if she makes a mistake and I correct her, she usually says "Thank you, teacher." (That started because when we first met whenever she wanted me to help her with her english she'd say "Matthew-teacher, come here." She still does that, too.)
And she's been teaching me japanese, though I'm not nearly as far along at that as she is with english.

I didn't reprimand her for how she was working, it was just a simple "no no, you should do it this way, it's easier" kind of thing. I wasn't harsh about it, I didn't snap, and it wasn't a command. And when I realized that she wasn't about to do what I thought she was, I did apologize and explain.
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to do it this way, so that's why I said to do it that way."
"But I was going to do it that way."
"Yes, but I *thought* you were going to do it this way, so I said..."
etc etc

I am pretty familiar with japanese culture, and I don't think it's a cultural thing that caused this.
And how can you NOT sound condescending when you have to explain something 3 or 4 times in a row using simple words? The very act of explaining something is usually seen as condescending by the person it's being explained to.
As far as controlling goes... I've been pushing her for years to be more independent. When we first started dating, if I asked her what she wanted to do, her answer would always be some variation of "Whatever you want to do." That's part of japanese culture... trying to make other people happy, sort of. If you ask a new japanese friend what their favorite sports team is, they're likely to ask you what yours is, and say that theirs is the same, just to get along better.
I generally try to put her in control of whatever I can. Let her choose how we spend the weekend, or what we have for supper, or whatever else I can think of. I don't want an obedient little girl, I want a woman who can make her own choices without having to ask me what she should decide. She understands that, or at least says she does, and she has changed in that direction over the years.

And like I said, this isn't the first time that this kind of thing has happened either. I say or do something she doesn't like, and she'll get mad and go sulk, more or less. I'll get the silent treatment for a few days, she'll slam doors, etc.
I've tried telling her before that it's better to just tell me there's a problem and deal with it openly instead of letting it build up, but she doesn't seem to get it. It drives me absolutely mad. If I didn't care about her so much... well... what can I do? I can't spend the rest of my life dealing with this crap.

Sun, 09/17/2006 - 01:43
kayten

cuntlicker wrote:
I don't want an obedient little girl, I want a woman who can make her own choices without having to ask me what she should decide. .... I say or do something she doesn't like, and she'll get mad and go sulk, more or less. I'll get the silent treatment for a few days, she'll slam doors, etc.

It's seldom the issues that break people up, it's the way that they deal with the issues and the incongruence between them. Wouldn't it be easier, and better for both your long-term happiness, to find that kind of woman, who IS who you want her to be, rather than change someone else? Not only do I believe that we always revert back to who we innately are, but that we also grow to resent the people who tried to change us in the first place.

No matter what the issues are, whether it's something as monumental as whether to have children or as minor as the kind of milk you bought, it's HOW you deal with them that makes you a strong or weak couple. I'd suggest you seriously rethink the relationship, if it doesn't seem you're made for one another and someone needs to do some core changing in order to fit the other.

Sun, 09/17/2006 - 02:56
cuntlicker

kayten wrote:
Not only do I believe that we always revert back to who we innately are, but that we also grow to resent the people who tried to change us in the first place.

Well, I used to be somewhat like her. I was shy, quiet, never spoke up for myself, never defended myself or voiced my needs/wants. And then I met a girl named Ashley. I changed, and grew, and became something (I think) better. I'm strong, confident (for the most part) and as you may have noticed, have no problem with voicing my opinion now. Even though that relationship ended badly, I'm forever grateful for what she did for me.

kayten wrote:
No matter what the issues are, whether it's something as monumental as whether to have children or as minor as the kind of milk you bought, it's HOW you deal with them that makes you a strong or weak couple. I'd suggest you seriously rethink the relationship, if it doesn't seem you're made for one another and someone needs to do some core changing in order to fit the other.

The odd thing is that normally I don't HAVE issues. Even my pothead friends say they're amazed at how laid back I am, and without the aid of any chemical/herb/etc. Things annoy me, I let it go. People irritate me, I say "meh, whatever" and let it slide. It's not worth getting aggravated over, so I just move on with my life. But this... this somehow irritated me enough to make me snap back when she snapped at me and threw her little tantrum. And apparently (if you want to believe my friends) me raising my voice is practically the equivalent of kicking and throwing household objects for anyone else.

Believe me, I've been rethinking this relationship for some time.
I'm starting to think that the psycho I dated before her, who wanted to pick a wedding date after just 3 weeks, may have been a better choice. At least she was physically active, and had a libido to rival my own. If I don't get some good, solid physical exertion every so often I start to feel a little cooped up. (Even if that physical exertion has nothing to do with sex, it makes me feel good.)

You know, this is an odd feeling for me. Usually I'm the one GIVING the advice to various people that I know. (Both online and offline.) But I guess it's harder to look at things when you're the one on the inside.

Oh, and it's been about 28 hours or so since the initial argument, and she's only said 1 word to me. Kusai. I was about to make some seafood chowder for supper, and I threw the taters in the pot first, but wasn't watching while I prepared the other stuff so it boiled dry and burned the potatos. (Doesn't help that I came to the computer to set up an mp3 playlist to kill the silence, either.) Kusai is japanese for "it stinks" more or less. You could smell the smoke through the whole house it burned so bad. The good news though, is that you can barely taste the burnt potato in the chowder, so it's not all bad. :P
The only other communication from her was a shrug when I asked her how long she was planning to stay angry, and a written message saying "Remember what you said?" (Referring of course to me saying that I didn't need someone throwing a temper tantrum like a little child.) And I only got that much by standing in front of the tv screen so she couldn't just focus on her video game and ignore me.

Sun, 09/17/2006 - 04:51
Vivian

cuntlicker wrote:
The only other communication from her was a shrug when I asked her how long she was planning to stay angry, and a written message saying "Remember what you said?" (Referring of course to me saying that I didn't need someone throwing a temper tantrum like a little child.)

Wow, only 1 word the entire night? Damn, she is really adamant about this silent treatment. I don't know how she can last that long-- I think communication is the key. Whenever I try to give my boyfriend the silent treatment, it usually ends in me erupting in a fit of giggles because he's constantly breathing down my back saying silly things or mocking the way I give him the silent treatment (I sometimes like to resort to this juvenile action too). Then I am less mad and we sit down and have a talk. Sometimes it works, most often it doesn't!

It sounds like you two ought to have a good long talk. That's the only advice I have. I'm not too good at giving it but I hope you two get everything situated. Maybe you could think of all the good things she's done for you or why you like her. I always make a pros and cons list. Um, but you may want to only do pros. ;) And you can encourage her to do the same as well?

That's my 2 sense.

Sun, 09/17/2006 - 06:37
cuntlicker

cents. :P
And I'm kind of like you, I laugh pretty easily. The whole thing was so ludicrous that when I was blocking her view of the tv to try and get her to talk to me, I had trouble keeping a straight face.

It's probably a little easier for her, since she's pretty much been avoiding me. And, I've been following advice from a couple of girls I know and giving her some space. For the most part, anyway.

What attempts I have made to get her to talk have resulted in glares, and her walking away. (With the exception of course of the little written note.)

Sun, 09/17/2006 - 13:02
eleni223

perhaps it 's time for "the talk" even if you're the only one talking. something along the lines of :

"i know your upset/hurt. i've tried to explain things to you, but your silence is telling me you don't care enough about this relationship to even try to work it out, maybe it's time we take a break"

she's using the famous "emotional blackmail" trick. enough is enough now.

Actually it seems the first

Tue, 06/23/2009 - 10:00
cuntlicker

Actually it seems the first advice I got (from outside cherrybomb) was the best. Just give her some space.
Sunday is laundry day around here, and normally we grab our stuff and go over to Sheldon's place to use their machines. It's as much a social thing as it is for laundry, as we hardly ever see Sheldon and his gf anymore. (They have their jobs, I have mine, schedules and all that stuff.)

Well, she hadn't spoken to me all day, and hadn't eaten any of the food I cooked even though I made more than enough to last us both for the weekend. (She went out of her way to cook her own food. Something that normally doesn't happen.)
So, when it was time to go to Sheldon's, I got my stuff, told her it was time to do laundry, and left. When I got home she was in my room watching a movie on my computer, and she apologized to me when I came in.
We talked it out a bit, and it turns out that the only reason she got so pissed is because I told her to fuck off, when she was throwing her little tantrum at work. No other reason, just that. So, she asked me to not say anything like that again, and I asked her not to act like a spoiled child when she gets angry, but to talk to me instead, like an adult. We both agreed, and promised. :P
After that we finished watching the movie, and now everything's all sorted out. I think part of the reason that she wanted to apologize when I got home is because the "emotional blackmail" trick can backfire if the recipient doesn't take the bait.

**edit** had some info in this really old post that didn't need to be here.