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Sexually frustrated, contemplating celibacy again!! How do I break the cycle???

cogold13's picture
Sat, 08/21/2010 - 02:50
Submitted by cogold13

I've always been single, and am happy to stay that way.  Over the past several months, I've been prowling around for a casual lover.  I've been looking via Craigslist, and so far the results are all the same.  Although I can get fucked quite easily, very little of it has been sexually satisfying.  It's an old story: clothes come off, some foreplay ensues, penis hits vagina, penis ejaculates, clothes come back on, I never see him again OR repeat steps until frustration sets in on my part.  Ughhh!!!  As much as I am unashamed to fuck first and ask questions later, I'm sick of the same sexual pattern.  I actually spent many years celibate because of this pattern.  I like men a lot.  I enjoy exploring their bodies, taking my time.  But I keep meeting men in a rush to stick their dick in my vagina.  Worse yet, they ask me if I had an orgasm AFTER they have blown their load, or act exasperated that their 'efforts' to get me off don't pay off.  I'm starting to feel like the best I can do is go with his flow or not fuck at all.  I also keep meeting men who seem to take their sexual cues from pornography, and thus, come to me with a laundry list of kinks they want me to fulfill or want things in bed that I'm not ready to do on the first meetup.  What can I do to find a sex partner who would want to take his time in bed, show some curiosity about my body, let me get to know his body in return, ASK QUESTIONS, SEEK ANSWERS, etc?  I just want to share and be myself, and in a sexual context.  Should I seek a professional (for the sex, that is)?  I'm so sick of trial and error, and error, and error.  Some strategic advise will be greatly appreciated!  BTW: I'm hetero, but am open to all perspectives on my issue.

‹ Tension orgasms only We are at a loss with chronic UTIs!!! ›

Hi Sara, From your reply it

Palesa's picture
Mon, 08/23/2010 - 08:05
Palesa

Hi Sara,

From your reply it sounds like you are an intelligent and inquisitive woman. I do think you suffer from the very prevalent female disease of not giving yourself enough credit. I definitely would not categorize you as an idealist for wanting to have a fulfilling sex life with a man. If that is idealism than heterosexual encounters have hit rock bottom. In fact, I am giving you the realism award of excellence for asking questions, being open, and continuing to try even when things don't go the way you hoped. To do these things one must have a lot of strength of character! By being this way you are actually succeeding even when your successes look and feel like failure. Carry on!

Sincerely,

~Palesa

Heterosexual woman help.

Palesa's picture
Sat, 08/21/2010 - 03:55
Palesa

Hello cogold13,

I would imagine that most heterosexual women have felt this way at one time. For me, with the help of many resources, including and especially this website, I've realized I have been expecting all the wrong things when it comes to my sexual interactions with men. I expect a non-clitoris and non-vagina having person who is not me to know what feels good to my clitoris and my vagina. Unfortunately my culture (US) has become more performance oriented than pleasure and reality oriented. A lot of this is due to our expectations to have media educate us sexually in lieu of a proper sexual education. A comprehensive and age appropriate sexual education should be a priority in any country that cares about the health and safety of it's citizens. With that in mind the only thing I expect now is kindness, maturity and a willingness to learn. While at my age (28) I would hope for a man that knows something about sexuality... I've realized I might not be able to count on that either.

While I cannot advise you from a place of experience when it comes to finding sex partners online, I would let Craigslist go for a time. I find that observing your sexual partner's temperment to see if it is to your liking and communicating ideas around sexuality gives a much better idea  of sexual compatibility than an electronic listing of a man's favorite foods and movies.

Regarding your celibacy: I'm currently celibate and I don't think it is a bad choice when it is an actual choice. While I would like to be fulfilled in lifelong celibacy (assuming I can include masturbation) I know that this would probably not be feasible. But I agree with taking a break. We seem to think that engaging in penis in vagina sex, no matter how shitty the experience, somehow gives us more validity as an adult human being. I couldn't agree less. If it's between having great sex with myself or having mediocre to bad sex with a guy--I pick myself every time.

As far as pleasure during penetration: My suggestion to you is the same thing I suggested to myself. Grab a great vibrator, some natural lubricant and a dildo that is safe for your body and figure out how to make sex and penetration pleasurable for yourself. Take all your learnings and bring them to your partner sex life. Luckily you are on the best site for sex advice. It takes time and work. It's taken me years to get to this point, but it is very much worth it and I still have a long and pleasurable way to go.

Sincerely,

~Palesa

Thanks for the reply,

cogold13's picture
Mon, 08/23/2010 - 00:35
cogold13

Thanks for the reply, Palesa!

I thought some more about celibacy: no, I won't say never to an offer, but I do plan to be very discriminating.

For a long time I thought I was defective because I didn't get off with conventional vaginal intercourse.  I also thought I was defective for only wanting great sex without the relationship ties.  This site has helped tremendously in reiterating what I (truly) already knew but was too distracted/brainwashed/misinformed to embrace.  I recently called it quits with a lover, almost out of the blue because I was feeling the same pressure to perform that, in the past, precipitated long bouts of celibacy.  We had came into contact via CL.  I was happy to make his sexual acquaintance, until I quickly grew tired of the 'routine'.  I felt like such an ass for suddenly leaving the situation with little explanation.  Since my departure over a month ago, I've been on a strident quest for 'answers'.  I'm torn between trying our partnership again and leaving it alone for good.  I'm deep down afraid to say what I want in bed for fear of rejection and/or lack of interest, not just from my last partner but any man.  I don't know if there is more I can do to encounter or flush out a compatible sexual partner (I have done what you've advised about meeting face-to-face, and from now on I'll look with refreshed eyes).  And by compatible: a man who is curious about how I work.  Like you said, it's foolish to expect a man to KNOW how a woman works.  So, why isn't more time taken to find out.  Even my curiosity is blunted in the bedroom because vaginal intercourse is such the focal point of the sexual experience.  *sigh*

Luckily, I'm fine with myself, so I have no issues (and never have) with taking care of my sexual needs on my own.   Occasionally, it would be nice to share the wealth (I know, I'm an idealist).

Sara