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Philosophical question

Betterthenyouknew's picture
Fri, 03/21/2008 - 13:46
Submitted by Betterthenyouknew

So,

I'm taking a philosophy class, and recently, with the Spitzer thing going on in the news, someone brought this up in class, and the following question came up:

Which is worse, and why: being unfaithful with a hooker, or with a seperate lover? Would you prefer, if you know you WILL BE cheated on, that it be a hooker, or a new lover?

I would like to hear some ideas and thoughts.
The class took some interesting twists on this, and I was thinking at class, that people on this forum might have much different ideas.

A.

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I think it would depend on

Tue, 06/02/2009 - 02:55
The_Status_Is_N...

I think it would depend on the relationship. If I were in one where I was jealously and desperately and anxiously and insecurely infatuated with my partner, then the prostitute thing might be less entirely devastating than finding out that what I would perceive to be his "real" emotional and physical and intellectual needs were being met with the person he was having an affair with, but who wants to feel like that about ANYONE? I've fallen for people like that before, not currently, thank goodness.

In any other relationship--what I feel like is a sane, healthy relationship--I want my partner to be happy and I don't care who's making him happy. (In fact, sometimes I'd rather it be someone else.) The idea of a love triangle intrigues me. Unfortunately, my current partner says that polyamory makes him feel dirty because the time he did it, he was thinking about one person while having sex with another and that was all wrong to him.

I would like to know about the affair (I suppose since it's an affair, I would have to wait until after it started to find out, which would be distressing, but, still, the distress wouldn't last as long or hurt as much as being in a jealous relationship) and get to know my partner's other partner. It would be quite interesting and stimulating to know what different things pleased him about each of us, whether or not we'd get along too, how we as a group managed the relationship. Sure there's the potential for an unstable partner, in fact perhaps the promise, but that's routine in the dating game, and it doesn't mean the fling wasn't worth it.

If he's unfaithful without a

Thu, 03/12/2009 - 05:41
Anonymous User (not verified)

If he's unfaithful without a condom, that's the worst. With a condom, I'd rather it be with a professional, because almost no professionals marry a john and go straight. And Carlin, you may be right when you assert that pros are more likely to insist on a condom. That said, I agree with Carlin that if my SO strayed with a professional, I would have grave doubts about his commitment to a civilized view of women.

Fri, 03/21/2008 - 14:49
Carlin Ross

here's my take:

A hooker connotes a carnal, physical exchange. A lover connotes an emotional, sensual exchange.

However, I've had affairs that were more like tricks to the extent of the intimacy shared. But I would say as a general rule men who have affairs are in denial about they're infidelity and treat the affair like a new relationship so they can live with themselves.

Now, a man is more likely to use a condom with a hooker and go bare back with his mistress. A hooker has a greater chance of stds although most working girls keep up on their hygiene while regular gals roll the dice and don't get regular check ups. But frequency is frequency.

What would bother me about my man going to a hooker is that it's a control, dominance play. The money is about not having to please her and being able to look down on her so she's not in the relationship category. That would make me question his view of women.

On the flip side of that coin, a hooker means that he has sexual needs outside of monogamy (like everyone who breathes) but doesn't want an emotional connection with her so that reinforces our relationship. And if she gets pregnant you know that she'll get an abortion.

In an affair, it's about having both your emotional and physical needs met by someone else. So that's a double whamy.

I think I'm going to have to go with pro.

Fri, 03/21/2008 - 18:38
Cookie

I'm not really sure...if my lover cheated on me with a hooker, I'd run a huge risk of getting an STD, maybe even Aids. I guess I'd run that risk either way, but from what I gather, hookers get around quite a bit.
If it was with a new lover, there would be emotion there, and that would hurt more than if it was simply physical.
I wouldn't want to be with the kind of man that picks up hookers, that would mean he picks women out just to use them, treat them like objects. I know hookers put themselves in that position, but it's still not right.
I guess I would have to say hooker. But I have conditions...it would have to be a ONE TIME thing, he would have to feel horrible after, and of course she would have to get tested for everything under the sun at least once a month. Oh, and all these tests need to come back negative!

Sat, 03/22/2008 - 08:34
cuntlicker

Cookie;11607 wrote:
But I have conditions...it would have to be a ONE TIME thing, he would have to feel horrible after, and of course she would have to get tested for everything under the sun at least once a month. Oh, and all these tests need to come back negative!

Riiiight... Like he's going to tell you that he picked up hookers twice a week and feels great about it, no guilt at all... and of course she's going to put her test results on display in the alley for her customers to look over. :P

Seriously though, those conditions are about as reasonable as cutting off his dick, taking it for a drive, and chucking it out the window when you realize the blood is leaking onto the upholstery.

I think in the scenario given in the original post, it's a given that the hooker isn't going to be a street-walking crackwhore, seeing as it spawned from a reference to Spitzer, who reportedly got some rather expensive (I guess, I don't really know the going rates or anything :P) prostitutes who I would assume would be smart enough to protect themselves as much as possible.

From my point of view, if it were my gf cheating on me, I would have to say that an affair is worse. My reasoning:

Paying for sex (or picking up a cheap trick, 1 night stand, which is close enough for the purpose of this conversation) generally seems to be the result of spite and/or insecurity. Barring any sexual problems at home, of course. But then, if your partner doesn't "do it" for you, you have to take a little personal responsibility for not having taught them how to make your toes curl. If it's less about skills, and more about them simply turning you off completely, then what the fuck are you still doing together with them, right?

Having an affair, on the other hand is just bloody disrespectful. Any further explanation than what I'm about to give will invariably lead to a long winded, rambling rant, so I'll just say that having an affair says loud and clear "I don't really care about you, but I'm going to keep using you for as long as I can get away with it, or for as long as I can keep rationalizing it to myself." I know some may disagree, but it's how I feel on the matter.

Sat, 03/22/2008 - 15:14
kayten

This is a very difficult question to answer primarily because the circumstances are always more important to me than the actions.

One of the big questions here is whether a physical betrayal or an emotional betrayal is worse, because it's assumed that an affair is about more than just dispassionate sex. But let's not forget that the engagement of a prostitute is also an illegal act, which compounds it not being a simple cut-and-dried transaction. To me, someone I'm involved with soliciting a prostitute shows a sign of sociopathy, that the superficial sex is worth risking all the normal consequences of committing a misdemeanor, when I'm presumably fully engaged in the relationship and committed to his happiness, sexual and otherwise.

If we're just talking about one-time sex with no deeper connection, it would be a tough choice. Mind you, I'm in favor of the legalization of prostitution, with the sex industry being as taxed, regulated and inspected as vigilantly as the food service industry. It SHOULD be safe and legal for a man or woman to visit a prostitute discreetly to have physical needs met. If it were the case, I would be more in favor of that than an affair but simply for the unpredictability component of my man's partner. There are a lot of unbalanced women out there and sex unhinges Pandora's box like little else. I don't need a non-pro getting a taste of his incredible skill and then going psychotic on him or me because she thinks that's the way to get something more than one night out of him. In some ways, I'd feel safer that it was left as a one-time deal with a prostitute than another woman.

When you're talking about infidelity with another person, there are far too many factors. Sex with a hot stranger while drunk and away on business is entirely different than a sober encounter with a coworker to whom one feels very close. The level of the intimacy is what would bother me - as is probably the case for most women, which is why the prostitute might often come up as the better answer.

I should offer the disclaimer that I'm currently involved in a non-exclusive relationship with someone I feel very deeply for so some of these kinds of questions about sex, love, and what constitutes intimacy are on my mind often.