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my partner vs. my vibrator

AnaUna's picture
Mon, 11/09/2009 - 16:29
Submitted by AnaUna

So heres what happened. I was about to have sex with my friend. Probably not the best idea considering he was drunk but, I couldn't help myself. I was getting a notebook from my bag when I hear the  door slam and suddenly he is behind me kissing my neck and picks me up and puts me on the bed. So things are getting hot and we are about to have sex and I confess that I've been doing my research and I need more clit stimulation so I can have orgasms on a regular basis.  He agrees with this and then I tell him I brought along my vibrator to that I wanted to try that out. He has a mini freak out, gets really sad, and says it makes him feel like he isn't good enough for me sexually. I try to explain but he has moved on.

 

So later on I'm starting to get bored with our sex and so I began to stimulate my clit with my fingers. He says to me that he can do that, but he quickly forgets and I am left without my o. What a mess but he did go down on me when I woke up so I got my multiple orgasms on. He is a man who does in fact care about pleasuring me, but he has a negative opinion of vibrators and possibly me touching myself. Hell he even told me once that it was his job to set the mood for sex. I quickly shot him down and told him that it is our job to set the mood. I need some advice for teaching him that he should not be jealous of my vibrator and what the vibrator can do for our sex life, mostly what it can do for me that he can't do. I want to also communicate that he should not view sex toys and clit stimulation as a threat to his masculinity.

 

The question is how? What should I say? I don't need a word for word speech but some convincing points I should bring up would be great! Let me know -Ana

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Orgasmic Variety is the Spice of Life

Video Witness's picture
Sun, 11/29/2009 - 23:32
Video Witness

If you are worried about what Carlisleorama said..."but honestly- we all know a vibrator can give us the type of orgasm that a man could never even dream of." I would say if you are currently capable of orgasm without a vibrator there's no need to worry.

Granted finding the right vibrator can add wonders to your enjoyment of sex on your own or with a partner, simply adding a vibrator to your 'sexual toolbox' does not mean that using one will make you only able to achieve an orgasm in the future by using one. It will not take away your ability to have orgasms other ways.

The type of orgasm I have with my 'favorite toy' is different from what I achieve with my husband's hand, which is different from what I get when he uses his mouth, which is also different from what I get when we fuck. Perhaps I am just lucky that I am able to have a variety of orgasms which all feel different.

Again, having orgasms with a vibrator does not mean you will stop having them when you engage in other forms of penetration or stimulation.

You got it right.

tom.penry's picture
Mon, 11/30/2009 - 16:36
tom.penry

Curiosity in a natural and positive human emotion. It makes no sense to stiffle it.

See me and my story in the Art Gallery: http://dodsonandross.com/art/coming-age

Lovers can kiss and caress.

Miss Moonlight's picture
Thu, 12/03/2009 - 10:16
Miss Moonlight

Lovers can kiss and caress.  Vibeys give you a far more intense orgasm.  I think we need both.  If you are comfortable with it, suggest you share using one together at times.  As for things being his job, to be blunt I have never heard such nonsense and I am pleased you asserted yourself here.  He does not own your body, he just shares it.

I hope that you can bring him round, if not it's not for lack of trying and it's time to have a little secret in your top drawer.  You won't regret it!

Wouldn't a vibrator always

Sun, 11/29/2009 - 16:59
Anonymous (not verified)

Wouldn't a vibrator always make it difficult to have sex with a man without one because no one can give you the same sensation as a battery operated machine? I am afraid of using one that I may not be able to go back to just being with my mate without always needing a vibrator...

I'm wondering

carlisleorama's picture
Tue, 11/17/2009 - 02:39
carlisleorama

If there's a way you can get across to him how much a vibrator would enhance the experience for both of you. He's obviously threatened by it and I think he must be feeling a little self concious of his skills, but honestly- we all know a vibrator can give us the type of orgasm that a man could never even dream of. I think it's important to reassure him and let him know he's a terrific lover, or to show him ways that he can touch you so that he can become a terrific lover. But tell him that using a vibrator helps you to achieve mind bending orgasms that you just can't achieve any other way, and you would like to share that with him. Let him know that it feel incredible for him when he's inside you to feel you having that sort of orgasm. You could maybe ask him if he'd like to watch you use it first and then try it together.

 

Sounds like a difficult

Sat, 11/14/2009 - 13:58
Anne

Sounds like a difficult problem, just suggesting you tell him that he doesn't need to be jealous doesn't seem like it would work well for him, and possibly start an argument.  Maybe, try to reinforce his masculinity by talking to him in a sexy tone and telling him how (when he wasn't around to please you) you had to use your vibrator and were thinking of how hot it would be to have him there with you.  Tell him that while it feels good, nothing can replace him but it would be so hot to experience both him and it at the same time, then ask if that would turn him on too.

A lot of men get turned on watching their girlfriend masterbate, so maybe try masterbating in front of him and once you get off from clitoral stimulation, put the vibrator down and tell him how much you need him inside you.  Maybe this will make him realize that while you can get off with your vibrator, you still want and need him.

Also, try showing him that a vibrator feels good and is different from a humans touch.  Use the vibrator on him (due to the fact that he seems hypermasculine I would not suggest using it on him for anal!). Many guys (and girls) don't realize that the vibrations feel good for men as well.  Turn it on and rest it against his head, slide it down the length of him.  Many men like the feeling of the vibrations when you put it under their testicles.

Another idea is to give him head, and rest the vibrator under your throat or on your cheek, maybe hum a little too.

I think (or hope!) that if you begin using it with him and get him used to seeing it in the bedroom with you two, he will slowly realize that it is just extra fun and doesn't replace him at all.  Don't expect his attitude and feelings about it to change over night, but if you work with him, it should slowly change.

Oh, and maybe suggest a vibrating cock ring, or humm dinger? That way, you are still getting HIM, but also stimulation from that, which he is controlling with his movements, speed, etc.  Tell him that you read men get pleasure out of the vibrations as well as women and that you thought he might like it because by wearing it, he is control of how much pleasure you get and when.

If you haven't seen one or know where to find one (they should also be in the condoms section of your grocery store, here is a link to one on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002L16RTY?ie=UTF8&tag=erp81-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B002L16RTY

orgasms for two

Mon, 11/09/2009 - 22:42
Betty Dodson

 

 Dear Ana,

 

So far you are doing well. Your communication is clear about the what and why you want more direct clit stim but only he can change his mind. How about giving him my book "Orgasms for Two." Maybe reading it will be easier for him to understand than you telling him. He represents so many men who judge their sexuality by a woman's response and you know all too well the problems that incures. The idea is to see partnersex as a shared dance, not just you following his lead. Ask him how he would feel if every move he made on the dance floor (or in bed) was orchestrated by you for him to FOLLOW! If he is unable to get it, at some pont you'll end up moving along. Maybe that concept will get him to open his mind and hear what you are saying.

Dr. Betty