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Loses erection waiting for my orgasm

Tue, 09/07/2010 - 08:22
Submitted by sdrunner0123

When my husband waits for me to have an orgasm first, he loses his erection.  He is over 50, so his erections are not as strong as they used to be.  Last night we were having sex doggie style while I used the Eroscillator on myself, and then he suddenly pulled out, presumably so I could have an orgasm before he did.  It took me a few minutes, and when I was done, he was just lying there, limp as could be.  I tried to get him going again, but he just got mad, saying he was not turned on and just wanted to sleep.  This morning when I asked if I did anything wrong, he just smiled sweetly and told me he was really tired.  But I was upset all day long, because I thought we were doing something together and it was just me using the vibrator.  He just lays there, since he is not turned on, so he is not squeezing my breast and nipples, like I whispered to him to do (he did it for one minute and stopped).  I will not cheat on him and I do not want an open marriage.

For the past 20 years, we had the habit of either quickies or he would stimulate my clitories after his orgasm, but frankly, I am tired of having my orgasm while he is going to sleep.  My fantasy is to have my orgasm while he is excited and moaning, and then he gets even more turned on from my climax and then penetrates me hard and fast, and then we cuddle together and talk about how great it was.  I wonder if this will just remain a fantasy, or if we can actually make this happen.

One other time recently, he actually got an erection when I had an orgasm, but another time, he did not.  I thought guys get turned on when their woman climaxes.

My husband is a 2/week kind of guy, but I like it everyday, and masturbating is just not emotionally fulfilling.    We have talked about him taking Cialis, and I am getting a girlfriend on the side, because he says he just does not have the ability to keep my satisfied, so I should get a girlfriend.  However, I really long for and crave the emotional fulfillment that comes from him desiring me.

Is there any advice?

‹ Time for woman to reach orgasm I am looking for an online "porn" website where I can talk to men... ›

Does your girl ever come before you do?

Fri, 09/10/2010 - 14:53
sdrunner0123

Thanks Tom for your feedback.  The past 10 years I was checked out of the relationship, so we are dealing with all this for the first time.    The power comment is interesting.  I left out how responsive he is to my comments.  I am pretty sure the next time we have sex, he will make a lot of changes, but I still wonder if he can last more than 3 minutes and keep his erection while waiting for me. (He has mentioned several times he wants to try Cialis but has not yet asked the doctor for it.)

Thank you Dr. Betty for the wonderful DVDs you produce (I just ordered 3), and your timeless advice to women!  You are a true goddess!  I will try your advice.

I'm still curious from the guys, esp those in their 50's - does your girl ever have an orgasm before you do, and how do you keep your erection while waiting for her?

Update

Thu, 09/09/2010 - 15:14
sdrunner0123

Last night, I masturbated twice while he was going to sleep.  We'd had a great evening together, really connecting, and I even thought of bringing candles up to the bedroom.  Imagine my surprise when he said he was reading and going to sleep.  I got up and cried a little bit, then came back to bed and had my 2 orgasms.  He did not hear me, it turned out.

Well, he woke up because of work thoughts going through his head, and asked me if I wanted to fool around.  Of course I did!  He could feel my wet pussy rubbing on his legs, and he got turned on quick and was so hard!  So we had a quickie (less than 3 minutes), and then he asked me to tickle his back so he could go go sleep.  I happily did.  (He has rarely lasted more than 3 minutes).

Then he still could not sleep, so he started reading.  I told him I was going for orgasm #3.  (Since I've been having serial orgasms the last few months, having just discovered them, he has not once asked to participate or see if it can really happen.).  I went for #3 and #4, using my hands only all 4 times that night (my hands are my favorite!!).

During both my orgasms he just kept reading.  Very boring.

This morning, he found me crying in bed (I thought he was still in the shower), and he lovingly asked if I was ok.

The problem is that every time I have an orgasm, it is when he is already done, or not in the mood.

I would like to have him as excited while I am pleasuring myself (or he is) and having my orgasm, as I am when he has his.

I find it stale and boring that he just lies there like a bump on a log, 100% of the time I have an orgasm.  When I told him that today, he shrugged his shoulders and asked well, what can he do about that.  I told him that is for him to figure out!  I also said I want some sex on the weekend, in the day, when we have time to cuddle, not just the quickies with me masturbating afterward, or him laying there rubbing me with his hand while he falls asleep.  It just pisses me off to think about it!!!  Well, he stormed out the door this morning, and said I was selfish.  Well, if wanting him to stay in bed after sex and get excited about me makes me selfish, I am the most selfish woman in the world.

I think there is probably an issue in the relationship.  He has closed himself off to me somewhat.  I am never allowed to initiate sex - only he can.  And he only does, whenever there is no time to cuddle, ie right before going to work and when he has to go to sleep.  He avoids true intimacy with me.  I think it is my fault for all the years I was not nice to him.  The last few months I have completely turned around, and he is trying to respond.

I think when people complain about their sex lives, they fail to say what role they play in turning the other person off emotionally.  A person who is emotionally connected to their partner will want to please that person, right?

Thoughts?

oh my i thought i was the

Sun, 10/17/2010 - 04:04
Anonymous

oh my i thought i was the only one that felt this way ive been with my sweetie for quite sometime and a first our sex was amazing he used to be so passionate with me, he would kiss my thighs my breasts everywhere we would litterally have sex for hours non stop he would come four or five times as well as i. it seems like ever since i had our son he hasnt wanted to touch me its like a two week thing like your hubby. half the time hes done so quickly i dont even have time to feel any pleasure! going from basically being spoiled in bed to no passion, no emotion nothing! is so disapointing considering were quite young. i understand hes tired after work and i by no means expect it every single night but showing me some intamacy and love isnt much to ask is it? i usually will leave our room once he falls asleep and will cry for hours because i feel like he just doesnt care about my happiness. although everything else in our relationship is great hes tender and loving hes an amazing father and he does all he can to support kirnan and i but when it comes to our love making hes done in aproximatley ten minutes while on average it takes a woman about fifteen to twenty five minute to orgasm... it hurts i feel as though because pre baby i had a nice figure nd im by no means fat but im not as thin as i was and i have the stretch marks and such that im not appealing to him like i was... i know almost exactly how yu feel love....

Considerations

tom.penry's picture
Fri, 09/10/2010 - 18:51
tom.penry

I agree with Betty. If oral is on the table, erections don't matter. You partner will give you what you  desire with a tongue, fingers and a vibrator. I am 68. I do not want the stroke and heart attack risk of recreational medication. To answer your question:I purposely try to help partner own her own orgasm and to go over-the-top first. Personally, I can make my 'softie' ejaculate with my hand, even though it is not hard enough to penetrate a vagy. Maybe I am just lucky. I encourage you to encourage your husband. Watching him squirt after your multiple organisms may take you to 'Bliss'.

A power and communication problem

tom.penry's picture
Thu, 09/09/2010 - 16:37
tom.penry

The time has come for counseling, I think. This isn't about sex. This is a problem of power and communication in a relationship.

A great combined effort.

tom.penry's picture
Thu, 09/09/2010 - 14:40
tom.penry

I [68]am finding this thread extremely helpful. I encourage women in relationships with older men to contribute to it.

Simultaneous orgasms might

Wed, 09/08/2010 - 20:43
Debbie in Boston, MA (not verified)

Simultaneous orgasms might be "asking for too much" but your husband seems to have a hard time keeping his erections, lasting more than a few minutes, and then completing (climaxing). A weak erection isn't normal at all. THIS IS DEFINITELY A PROBLEM and this needs to get resolved. I think you should both seriously consider Cialis or Viagra. Go ahead and give it a try.

When you talk to him, don't ask for too much. Just explain that it's difficult and not very satisfyingl to have sex with him due to his weak erection and not lasting. This is common sense. Any decent human being will try to do something about this. But please do put it in nice terms when you're talking to him so he's more willing to work together rather than becoming defensive about it.

It's his responsibility to do his part in the marriage. Just like you're doing your part. If he turns down Cialis or Viagra then I would seriously re-evaluate this marriage because that is just him being selfish, lazy, and not caring about your needs. If there are solutions to his problem such as medication or penis pumps or whatever it may be, then there is no reason to just put up and live with it and he shouldn't want you to. A quick trip to the doctor will provide him with some possible remedies.

I don't believe this is "making so many demands on him after a hard days work" as Dr. Betty puts it. If the roles were reversed and you weren't "putting out for him" as much as he would like I guarantee you that he wouldn't just put up with it. So why in the world would you?

Wanting to have mutual sex with your husband rather than just have him lie there with a limp dick next to you while you masturbate is NOT asking for too much. Sex is a basic and important part of any healthy marriage. Letting him carry on with this problem will only lead you both to become more like roommates or brother/sister rather than a married couple.

My husband also started having these problems (we're only in our 40s) and he was very quick to try anything to get his virility back. Sure it was a bit embarrassing for him but I didn't have to haggle or coerce him to visit his doctor. He knew it was his responsibility as my husband to keep me sexually satisfied as it is mine to keep him sexually satisfied. He sought help willingly and now we're very happy and enjoying great sex!

You are expecting and

Wed, 09/08/2010 - 16:01
Betty Dodson

You are expecting and wanting more than hubby can give. While you're not asking for silmontaneous orgasms, in a way you are! When we make timing crutial to good sex we are setting ourselves up for a failure. Never mind what YOU want, consider enjoying what you have. How about getting turned on by yourself and then have your husband join you toward the end. I fear your wanting him to desire you is working against both of you. You said he is over 50 so I suggest you work on yourself and get over disliking masturbation. Perhaps getting a sexual girlfriend will help. Dilldos don't lose erections. Too bad men can't accept using a dildo when their dicks won't get or stay hard. They could take some pressure off Mr. Happy by not making so many demands on him after a hard days work. 

 Dr. Betty