Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

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I don't know if you can have an open relationship because I don't know your wife. And I'm sure neither of you know if you're ready for an open relationship unless you talk about it openly. You shouldn't feel guilty. Men and women of every sexual orientation feel this way - trust me, I've been a mistress for both sexes. An open relationship is what the two of you make of it. Consider it as a test to determine if this woman you're with is right for you. It's a big decision that many people rush into, or they say it "just happens". It doesn't. It happened because you wanted it to. What you didn't want is to hurt the one you love. Therein lies the perplexities of marriage - it cannot rule the heart or the body. If you want to explore your sexuality, then put the wifely responsibilities aside and speak to your partner from the heart. If she can't accept that, then you may have to do it in secret (if you have children, anyway. If not, then you should consider separation). Don't become someone who must repress. You don't have to, not for anyone.

I will say this. Secrets aren't horrible if you're prepared to eventually get caught.

"Illusion is the first of all pleasures" - Oscar Wilde

www.christinacicchelli.com

Only you can decide if it is wrong to have/want a mistress as you can see from the above comments there are many opinions. Only your opinion matters as you will have to live with the consequences.

Perhaps before deciding you should take an emotional self-inventory. Are you trying to fill a void or are you just looking to have some interesting fun.

I personally would say the ideal would be to be open with your spouse and have no secrets. However most (like mine) don't like to share and think that having another lover is a failing on the relationship, themselves or the spouse. I don't see it as such. There are things that I like to do that my wife does not sexually and recreation/ entertainment wise. If I were able to satisfy those needs, so long as they are not harmful or putting her at risk, then what is the issue? I really wish we did not have to keep getting hammered with the old monogamy dogma.

So the answer for me is that given the right person I would have a mistress and I see nothing wrong with it- for me.

We grow by being with other people and sharing ourselves.

Is it wrong to want a mistress? I don't think wanting anything is wrong. Is it wrong to have a mistess? Well, that's basically asking, is it wrong to lie to and violate the trust of someone you love and to whom you've made a committment? Do you really not know the answer to that question? If you don't want to be monogomous, then don't make a committment to be monogomous.

On the other hand, as someone who has tried in the past to be in non-monogomous relationships, let me tell you that this is really, really difficult. Looking back, I'd say that it's not worth it. But there's certainly nothing unethical about it, as long as everyone agrees and you can make it work. I just don't think that most people can.

Why bother being married if you want to step outside of the relationship? I totally don't agree with anyone here! A marriage is supposed to be between two people. I've been married for 15 years and still feel the love when we make love. But hey, whatever floats your boat!

There's something I don't like about that "a wife that I love, a mistress I desire" attitude is that it implies that you can't love who you fuck and/or can't fuck who you love. One is a body and the other is a mind, neither is a complete human being. It's like a madonna/whore complex (the same can be said about men, too) but knowing that we can have sex with someone shouldn't make that person less desirable or "fuckable".

the problem is that it's so hard to find quality people who are open to a poly relationship. Most are a bit too spiritual for me and not that attractive.

Granted! solo-sex can be excitng, but I don't know how to connect with a partner because of it....I can only fantacize about the touch and feel of another's body and that, to me is even more exciting...... ....The REAL BODY Touch and feel.... Since you can communicate your sex feelings with another......But, for me it has been 25 years since I was married and I don't care to go back to that....Yet, someone of a permanent Lover would be more desirable........Does anyone have any ideas or TIPS on how to sexually connect......I'm retired at 67 and prefer women.....RCM.........ralphcm41@att.net

It is not wrong to want a mistress. My mistress stayed with me for thirty-seven years until she died. I miss her terribly. I married my wife for her brain and my mistress gave me the body. I was lucky to have found them. Now my life is half over. Depressing.

"Is it wrong to want a mistress?" -- Not at all. One of the fallacies we are socialized to accept as truth is that one person can be all things to another. We find people attractive before we enter a committed relationship, and we will find people attractive afterwards.  It is unlikely that a single parnter can meet all of one's sexual desires all the time.  But more than that, it is about energy.  Dyad relationships are often closed systems. The couple gets wrapped up in each other during the NRE (new relationship energy) phase, usually to the exclusion of other people. Which can temporarily heighten that NRE high, but inevitably leads to an energy crash as the novelty wears off and there are no external sources of energy/stimulus to recharge. This is why serial monogamy occurs.  It is a cycle of NRE high, crash, recharge, repeat. Which is a shame, because, usually, what we love about people doesn't change, even if the qualities of the relationships do. Why should a relationship that works in 90% of the areas of your life end?  Negotiate sexual variety with your partner.  If you are both aware of what is going on, its not cheating. And when both partners are part of the process, the extra-marital sex tends to be less risky, both with regards to STDs and emotional health.

the problem is that it's so hard to find quality people who are open to a poly relationship.  Most are a bit too spiritual for me and not that attractive.

Wouldn't it be great to have a primary relationship with someone that you respect, love blah blah blah and then have a secondary relationship with someone who gets you incredibly hot?  That's my ideal.  

I want a solid roommate who likes to dine, talk politics, entertain, and travel and a paramour who likes to fuck and party.