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What do you make of a husband who loves his wife, tries to please her in every way he can, except he won't go down on her even though she has asked him, and she tastes and smells clean and sweet? He says he must be real turned on to do it, but does not elaborate. (He has done it as a favor to me twice in the past month, but avoids it whenever he can)
Does a good husband do oral on his wife?
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If he doesn't like to give
If he doesn't like to give oral then he doesn't like to give oral. It's his own personal opinion and sexual "thing". If you're not happy then the two of you are not sexually compatible. It's going to be hard to find someone who is 100% a perfect match. At least he has given it to you. Some men refuse and never have and never will. I think he's trying to please you despite his disinterest in performing oral so in that regard, he's a good husband.
Yes, good husbands do oral
I've been married 14 years and one thing I understand is that only 30% of women can have orgasms from intercourse. I want my wife to have an orgasm, so the easiest way is to lick her clitoris to a shattering orgasm. Then I have my orgasm.
I don't think it has anything
I don't think it has anything with being good, doing oral can't be the metric by which someone is judged. I think a kind and compassionate lover would like to please their lover in the deepest forms of loving pleasure that they could appreciate. Personally I love doing oral but my partner almost never requests it. I used to get very frustrated and tried to bring it up many times but it wasn't until she reached a place of personal acceptance that we could even have this discussion. Slowly we are increasing the frequency and pleasuring and it is really wonderful, for both of us.
All husbands should love doing oral
All husbands should love doing oral, not just good husbands. I would never marry a man who wasn't eager and excited by the idea of satisfying my sexual needs utterly and completely. He's either willing to do everything I need him to do, the way I need it done, or he's not my husband. So it's only natural that I do have a husband that feels exactly the same way I do. We get along pretty fairly well as you can imagine. Now if only we were wealthy!
Can't Imagine A Relationship Without
I really can't imagine a relationship without regular oral. For me there would be just so much missing.
My Feeling...
If you are in a committed long term relationship, monogamous, and you are not getting what you expect and you have discussed it many times with him and still no go, maybe you should change the topic of conversation from "why won't he" to "why not someone else?". Ultimately only you will know what is most important, and what you are willing to put up with. If it were upto me, i would find you a man with a deliciously soft goatee and have him scrub you clean once a week. At least. :)
The Oral Sex Litmus Test
Your partner is not in to oral sex, and that's OK. It can still be
a full and sensual coupling.
Really?
Maybe, if the couple has compared their list of sexual desires ahead of time and have determined that they both think oral sex is nasty, and are never interested in it…..ever (brings a tear to my eye.)
To guard against finding yourself in a miserably mismatched sexual
situation, make sure you have your sexual requirements written down, on a wallet
sized card, and on your person at all times, right next to your condom. Your requirement
card should have 3 sections: Must Haves, Nice to Haves, and Absolutely Never. Some
of you may need more than one card. Good for you! Also, you will probably have
to update your desires periodically, as your turn-ons should flow and expand
overtime if you’re really working it.
Insist on a requirements compare during your first meeting with a
potential partner.
Look for the cards that say “Will try anything at least once.”
What if they don’t have a requirements card? In this case, be
cautious, since this may mean they have not kept up with D&R and are probably
terribly ignorant.
Pick wisely. Being sexually fulfilled should not be a nice-to-have
in a relationship, or in a hook-up, for that matter. If you’re passionate about
experiencing all kinds of cuisine, would you put up with a partner who was only
interesting the fast food drive-thru? Hell no. Everyone would advise you to
move on and find a better match.
One last terribly opinionated comment. I would argue that our
primary physical expression of our desire for another is oral, via the kiss.
How does oral sex not make it to one’s Must Have list? A passionate kiss to the
mouth involves all kinds of fluid exchange. Assuming proper hygiene, an
aversion to oral sex should be considered a hang-up, a road block to sensuality
that needs to be redressed.
Oral Sex
I think you have exactly the right idea ChrisOnline with your list suggestion. I think we all should have a real clear cut idea about what we want sexually and in other ways as well. I think the list idea would transfer well to other aspects of the relationship too. I think the OP may be in a real quandrey. If oral is on her must have list (and I know for a lot of women it is their primary way of experienceing orgasm) she is really up shit creek. If she continues to ask him for it, he may feel pressured. And I don't think insisting her partner do something that really doesn't turn him on, or worse, is repellant is going to do either one any good. I think she needs to identify IF it is one of her must haves. If so, than she does have a real problems. One suggestion would be to have him perfor oral on her with a dental dam, or Saran wrap, and see if that helps. Or, she could try flavored lubes. Another thing that comes to mind is that most women who are orgasmic with oral sex can usually come with some form of gentle, lubricated manual stimulation. And there are toys like the sqweel that are supposed to mimic oral sex. A certain amount of compromise may be in order for both. But if he really hates it, than she may have some decisions to make.
Raising the Bar
So I was being tongue 'n cheek when I suggest an actual card to present with your sex requirements listed. But yes, like you said, we all need a clear cut idea of what we want, and then we need to make it a priority to compare notes in some way. Certainly before making any long term commitment. But I'm also interested in seeing our collective sexual expectations taken up a notch. So I'm hesitant to write-off a lack of interest in oral sex as just a simple menu item that some folks choose not to order. Is it raising the bar to high to have oral sex on a list of things that all truly sensual, healthy relationships should work to include? And if we can make that list, we could then address ways to help a person with an aversion to an item on it overcome that aversion and take their sexual enjoyment up a notch. By the way, my definition of oral sex does not include a requirement for the experience to end in orgasm. Just worshiping all parts your partners body with your mouth may be enough.
Limits
"Is it raising the bar to high to have oral sex on a list of things that all truly sensual, healthy relationships should work to include?" Well, I think for some people it is asking too much. I think we all have our limits, and for some people that includes oral sex. It may seem weird to us, but to oral sex phobics it isn't. If a person is willing to overcome their aversion, I think that's great. But what if they can't? I don't think I could overcome an aversion to scat play. Even though it is fine for someone else to do that kind of thing. I don't think just insisting the guy do it anyway is going to work. That could lead to resentment toward the partner and, in general, act as a buzz kill sexually. This is one of those things that really need to be dealt with before marriage - particularly if you are planning on being monogamous. Resolving differences like this can really be complicated. I guess it really depends on what your priorities are.
Reversal
While I freely give my wife oral as I truly love it; it's important to me thnat I'm not the only one getting off, my wife has an aversion to giving me oral. I totally respect her feelings on the matter.
Sexual Fulfillment is Not Optional (and no faking allowed)
I really agree with your perspective. There is absolutly no way to insist that anyone enjoy a particular sex act. I would say that a forced/faked sexual act won't work anyway, as we ususally can sense the disingenuous effort, epically if we are in a longer term relationship. I'm just trying to think of it from the perspective of creating higher expectations around what sex is all about, and how important and valid it is to be sexual, especially for young women. There are so many negative messages around sexuality, that I want to explore what I would tell a young person to expect from a full and healthy sex life. I want us to break this habit we have of putting our sexual needs below other things we require in our relationships. If our culture or personal experiences put oral sex in the nice to have or, heaven forbid, the absolutely not category, I think we should ask what that says about how we feel about our bodies, and why that is acceptable. So to the person in a committed relationship asking if oral should be expected, my answer is yes, it's a healthy desire. I would not offer alternatives or a workaround. I would ask them to work together to overcome the aversion. Maybe therapy. If that fails, the person left unfulfilled in the bedroom should see this as a serious crisis in their relationship because the intimacy of sex has been diminished for them. She/he should not settle for an unfulfilled sex life for the sake of the relationship. That diminishes the importance of sexually.
Sexual Satisfaction
I agree we should raise the bar in terms of sexual satisfaction -- particularly female satisfaction. Too many women too much of the time are settling for leftovers. However, sexual satisfaction with a partner is such a complicated maneuver! Gee, it makes me glad I mostly whack off now lol! Culturally, oral sex is definitely becoming more popular, according to the Indiana study, which I have been reading. This is good -- especially for women. I think ultimately if a person finds themselves with a partner who is not a good match sexually, they are going to have to decide, based on their own values, what is really important to them. Some people really aren't all that interested in sex so for them it really isn't much of an issue. Others (like our OP) are really going to be in a quandary.
Do good wives give head?
Philosophical question! Would you say a good wife was a wife that would give her husband head? If a woman was turned off doing that would you defend her right not to? Women from Sex and the City might say "no" considering their lack of understanding to Charlotte but are they feminists? But by the same token I think one good turn deserves another if you get what I mean...I think in general people compromise a bit at times because they love each other, and it sorta sucks if you're the one always doing the compromising.
Bad things happen when you put pressure on people to behave in certain ways all the time though, and make one way good and another way bad. Do you really want to make him guilty about not doing it often enough? By that standard the best man would be a gigolo or a slave. But maybe if you were both creative you could find something else you both really like and he could use the oral on you for special occasions.Let him know you enjoy it a lot, but if you fixate on it too much it might cause problems. And the last thing you want is a resentful partner going down on you because he thinks he has to. I think that would be a killjoy for both of your sex drives.
husbands and oral
As a husband I love to give my wife oral sex. I love it because with oral sex all your senses come into play at the same time. I love the smell, taste, and all vaginas are beautiful. Keep working with your husband tell him how important it is to you. Do you give him oral sex? If not try it together.
Yes and No
Good husbandry has nothing to do with great pussy licking. A man could be a wonderful warm and caring partner and be terrible in the sack. I have had partners who were wonderful people but would never suck my cock. I think being in a monogamous relationship has some obligation attached. If your mans ins't going to do for you what you want and deserve then there has to be a discussion about it. And there has to be an understanding that he doesn't control your sexual pleasure he merely adds to it in his way. I believe people should be responsible to themselves for their own sexual happiness, and a big huge part of that is communication. If a partner absolutely refuses oral sex to someone who loves it, then it's time to re-evaluate the boundaries of their sexual relationship, in my opinion.
husbands and oral
I agree, 100%