Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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... but I thought I might still add this...

If anyone wants information on asexuality or wants to talk to the asexual community visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network: www.asexuality.org

Thank you for the kind words.

I wouldn't say that I was bullied, per se, but it sort of messes with you, having someone, somewhere, look at you like an escaped mental patient every time you leave the house. And you're dressed normally, you just happen to have green hair.

Funnily enough, I've noticed that people are nicer to me when I wear my glasses. I have yet to figure out why this is.

I didn't masturbate until I was just about to turn seventeen (I remember it clearly) and now that I've been on this site, I've realised that isn't the way it is for most people. I'm not even sure why I never thought about it, but my burgeoning sexuality hit me like a punch in the face and I had to do something, right? And honestly, I'm really glad I wasn't presented with any opportunities to have sex because I wouldn't have known how to direct the guy, and now I could give a play-by-play. Although that doesn't seem like much fun.

In fact, I've only been propositioned once. And I turned him down because I didn't find him attractive. Oh, and he was still dating my ex-roomate.

It sounds like you've had to face some pretty ignorant people. I had
the same issues through school, I hate to say I was bullied, I don't
want to identify as being a victim, but that is what it was. It affects
your confidence - but it's good to hear that you are confident within
yourself and are happy to explore yourself sexually. I would say to you
that there is no rush, and that your acknowledgement of the situation
you find yourself in, is really brilliant. At your age I was still
trying vainely to go with the flow... Find a boyfriend, fit in... In
fact I've only very recently started realising that I've been wired up
back to front. To be happy you need to accept yourself, be happy with
who you are, and importantly, not have to change any of that to please
anybody else.If a partner doesn't like who you are or how you look, then
they aren't right for you.

Good for you for being so tuned in to yourself. Long may it continue .

I understand how that goes, Fem_1976. I've been treated badly for being "different", i.e. having unnatural haircolors, funky eyeshadows, and a Gothy fashion sense, for several years, and now it's gotten to the point that when someone gives me a compliment, I immediately wonder what they want from me. Why they can't just ask instead of lying to my face. I shudder to think what I'll do when someone I might actually be interested in starts, dare I say it, flirting with me.

To me, it seems like you're more afraid to open up because that would make you vulnerable and more likely to get hurt. I'm the same way. I'm 21 and I've never even been on a date, let alone had sex, but I feel like I know more about my sexuality than someone who lost their virginity in high school because they thought it was what they needed to do to be "cool". Get to know yourself better, it's served me well. I've learned more about my sexuality in the last year or so than I ever thought possible.

Hi both,

I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reply. I've taken a couple of days to digest the information so I could reply in kind.

Thankfully (@Betty) I am able to please myself so-to-speak. I
have the qualifications (never slept with a man) but not the will or belief system; I would make a
very bad nun :).

@Co gold - It's good to know that for whatever reason, I am not alone. I suppose I've realised since reading your response that actually it is me that desperately wants to fit in, and as such 'be categorised', rather than others wanting to categorise me. I think we humans are essentially 'pack animals'. We group socially according to beliefs/orientation... And society is often geared towards expecting us to be coupled.

So, yes it is a 'should' rather than 'I want to' scenario. I am generally happy to be single though I get lonely, and I feely admit that I am indeed damaged goods. You mentioned (un)availability - and you were quite right to. My anxiety leads me to want people who are already coupled. I find them infinitly safer to me that those that are single. It means I feel more secure knowing that the other person will not get overly attached to me, because if anyone gets too close, I panic and run.I've never had a problem meeting people - socially if I didn't say I had a problem, people say they would never known.

I could write a novel it seems so I will wind up my reply; I think I hoped on some level that perhaps being 'miraculously diagnosed' as 'Asexual' might finally end the chaos I feel inside. Of course it wouldn't. And, I'm clearly not asexual since I am attracted to either sex. It's just the 'acting upon it' that causes me problems.

Thanks again and I wish you both well.

I'm wondering which is the greater hurdle: the anxiety around meeting someone or the (un)availability of a suitable potential partner?  Is it that you want to be coupled?  Or, maybe you 'think' you should be?

Honestly, I haven't found much consolation in what I 'should' be doing, as dictated by society, shrinks, the little voice in the head, best friends, family, whoever.  The only consolation is being comfortable in my own skin no matter the circumstance.  Situations come up, wanted and unwanted, that test my metal.  It's difficult to not believe the bullshit and instead trust myself.  Feeling asexual, or labeling yourself as such, serves a narrow purpose that can't answer your quandry.  Labels are fixed states, while human experience, your life, is dynamic and ever-changing.  By what you've conveyed, you sound like you've had a lot of experiences, good, bad, and otherwise.  Thus far, no label exists that adequately captures your current experience.  Great!  Don't shy from your curiosities.  Get to know who you are and what you (don't) desire, in bits and pieces, and in huge gulps, alone and with others.  I cannot say that it won't contain pitfalls, but trusting yourself cannot come by playing it too safe.  Don't doubt yourself in this human experiment.  Explore the concepts of safety, attraction, dating, coupling with either sex.  The question you pose is important, and probably won't go away once you find an acceptable label.

I've also played with the notion of 'asexuality'.  I was celibate for some time because I generally didn't enjoy intimate interactions with men (it rarely got me off, so naturally something was wrong with me - not true).  I recently got back into dating, but found the experience largely unpleasant and rife with bullshit.  Although I'm hanging up the towel in the coupling department, even on a casual front, I'm not giving up on my sexuality, which isn't hetero or homo - IT JUST IS.

 I don't believe anyone is born asexual even if they had damaged sex organs. Our troubled woman is psychologically damaged which makes her uncomfortable with either sex. In such a case I would hope she can at least be sexual with herself. But I doubt that would be possible. She's not the only one who is asexual as we have nuns and priests who strive for a similar non sexual state. Perhaps she needs to consider joining a nunnery and having Jesus as her spiritual lover.

Betty